letting go and fnding peace.

I think, as humans, we struggle most with loss and especially with letting go. Sometimes we're asked to let go of things or places, sometimes dreams and goals, and in the worst of times, we are asked to let go of people.

This year has seen the sacrifice of some of my personal goals and dreams for my family and children but also the passing of many people I love.
Last night, a beautiful little girl, Abigail, who shares my birthday, graduated this life, ending her 2.5 year battle with cancer, and went home to our Father in Heaven's arms.

This loss has caused me to reflect on my own loved ones lost, the life I'm living, and on my faith in God, His Plan, and eternal salvation. Today I have spent much time on explaining the Plan of Salvation and why Mormon funerals are different from others and so I feel compelled to share here as well.

In 1988, Boyd K Packer shared a story of two young missionaries who happened along a funeral for a young boy who had drown and a preacher had been called to "say words." The minister began his sermon and sorely scolded the boy's parents for not having baptized him. He told them their son was lost in endless torment as a result of their not having him baptized him. The parents received no comfort from this minister or from the funeral service for their small child.
The Elders approached the boy's parents after his interment, and told them of the Lord's plan of Salvation. They quoted the Book of Mormon, "Little children need no repentance, neither baptism, "(Moroni 8:11). 
President Packer went on to say, "A comforting, spiritual funeral is of great importance. It helps console the bereaved and establishes a transition from mourning to the reality that we must move forward with life. Whether death is expected or a sudden shock, an inspirational funeral where the doctrines of resurrection, the mediation of Christ, and certainty of life after death are taught strengthens those who must now move on with life."
The revelations tell us that “thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not hope of a glorious resurrection.” (D&C 42:45.)
At times of sorrow and parting one may experience that “peace … which passeth all understanding” (Philip. 4:7) which the scriptures promise. Many have come to marvel in their hearts that such a feeling of peace, even exaltation, can come at the time of such grief and uncertainty.
This peace can only be fostered by reverence and knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.

Plan of Salvation

I have eternal perspective but it is so easy to be lost in the trials of our day to day lives and loose sight of where we are going and where we have come from. Sweet Abigail and her beautiful family never lost sight of their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and in his Plan for them. I am inspired by their blessed example to strive to do better, to find the good in each day, and to keep the faith.

I hope you will join me in praying for the Goss Family and all who have lost. Keep the Faith friends.

xoxo,
Sara

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food stress

I'm a fluffy girl. Always have been, probably always will be. Currently, I'm right around 80lbs over weight... that's a medium sized child if you're keeping track.

I've never had a healthy relationship with food. I often eat my feelings, using food as a coping method for my stressors and depression. Even as a 27 year old, married for more than 8 years, woman, I still feel defensive about my eating habits around my parents and grandparents who are products of the depression-era "you must clean your plate; children are starving some where in the world" mentality.

I also feel pressures to "try" everything on the table even if I know it's not something I like. I can remember, as a child, being forced to eat my green beans and I REALLY hate green beans. There were times I ate them, very last, just so I could finally leave the table. I would head directly to the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat.

Fast forward to having children of my own. I find myself, like many, parenting to compensate for what I perceive to be my parents' missteps (whether real or imagined).
I spend a lot of time trying NOT to transfer food related anxiety to my monsters.

As we've been altering our lifestyle, and especially our eating habits, for the better, I again feel defensive of my choices. Is it really so hard to understand that we don't want our children ingesting countless chemicals, GMO's, and pesticides?? I don't think so, but some do.

I guess what it comes down to is, if I believe I'm doing the best for my family, does it really matter what anyone else think?

What things cause you stress and defensive behaviors??

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the dreaded potty training

We've done this once already with the Monster Man but gave it up after about 5 weeks of #2 issues.
That was nearly a year ago, and now he's three so we've decided to give it another run.

We got some lovely Angry Birds boxer briefs which he's sure to love.

So, Friday, when Momma and Daddy both get home from work, we're making him toss his diapers in the trash.

No yelling, no shaming, no potty parties in this house. We don't want any negative feelings about the bathroom or our bodies.

We're going with the "tell momma when you need to go" and "don't forget to keep your pigs/angry birds/etc dry!" and lots and lots of jelly beans for successes. Hopefully it will be quick and painless....

Wish us luck!!

xoxo,
Sara

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Self discovery and the sauce.

The past few weeks, as I've been back to work, I've learned a lot about myself.

For the first time in my life, I'm realizing who **I** am. Me! Not me as wife, not mother, not cosmetologist or doula or lactation counselor. Just ME.

It's surprisingly interesting.

I'm more sarcastic and direct than I remembered and I laugh more than I have in a loooong time.

Through this process, I've realized just how much I eat my feelings. So my first goal is to get in front of that.

I'm planning to do a 21 day sugar detox in July but before I can do that, Momma's gotta go off the sauce. Diet Dew that is.

So I've got one Diet Dew left in the fridge and when it's gone, I'm all done. . .

I imagine I'm going to be kinda stabby over the next week. You've been warned.

xoxo,
Sara

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back to work

Well, I've decided to go back to work. I truly loved waxing and am excited to be doing that again.

But I do have some mixed feelings about it.

You see, since I was young, all I've ever wanted was to be a mother. And I was very passionate that I wanted to be able to be home with my children if possible. I was a latch key kid and we were mostly on our own for the bulk of the day light hours.

It's not that I believe there was anything wrong with that, but I did know that I wanted something different for me and my future family. So staying home was an easy choice to make when the opportunity arose.

Except, someone neglected to tell me that mothering was difficult. I have learned that I easily loose myself in mothering and in my responsibilities to my little monsters that I love so much. When you're unable to use the bathroom without an audience or take a shower without a clock running or a small one stripping off their diaper to join you, you begin to loose track of the things you used to love about yourself.

Today, a sweet woman asked me what I like to do for myself that no one else benefits from and I couldn't think of one single thing. It took me a solid minute to realize that the thing I wanted most was just to pee alone. Since I've only been back to work a few days, I've decided to let this pass and hope that as the days go by, I'll remember what makes me happy.

It saddens me to discover that I like my children best when I spend regular time away. I wanted to be the kind of woman who could be wholly devoted to my lovely little monsters and yet, I am not. This realization is giving me cause for much reflection. What does this mean for me? What does this say about me as a mother?

For now, I'm working regular hours waxing but as time goes, I hope I can devote more time to helping mothers through my doula and lactation practice.

gossip and goals

Last night, I had the pleasure of spending several hours with a dozen or two women who were complete strangers aside from one woman, who I absolutely adore, that was coordinating the event.

We were crafting.

It could have been so easy to not speak much with those around me or to judge and be critical of what they were wearing or making or any other number of things like what happens when a group of women get together any where. Be it work, social events, play groups, PTA meetings, Facebook mommy groups, or even church, women have a tendency to judge or talk smack.

It makes me sad.

Having been raised with only brothers who loved and protected me, I entered high school, and then corporate America, unprepared for these things. It was a rude awakening for my already damaged self image. Still, I managed to find a friend or two who loved me for who I was.

It only worsened when I left the traditional work force to go to cosmetology school. THAT is a whole different breed of gossipmongering. And, unsurprisingly, the scandals escalated when I worked at a dept. store make up counter as a make up artist and wax specialist. Throw a few Queens into the mix of women and things just may become over the top and outrageous. ;)

I was relieved when I changed jobs; even though it was still an establishment filled entirely of women, my coworkers and I managed to make real and lasting friendships that were not based on meaningless prattle and gossip.

I was raised not to be a pot stirrer and that if we have an issue with someone, it's best to address them directly. More now than ever, I strive to live by that. And so, it was so refreshing and wonderful to spend an evening with women who wanted to strike up friendly, judgement free, conversation with those who sat next to them. There was none of the typical cattiness that comes with a gathering of women, only compliments, laughter, crafts, and the camaraderie of extraordinary women.

I left the event with several new friends and a greater appreciation for the divine sisterhood of women. When we choose to leave the gossip and drama out, amazing and beautiful things happen. I have a profound love for the women I spent the evening with even though I've already forgotten many of their names. It IS possible to have a great time with strangers and make friends in unexpected places.

So that's my goal for the month of May:

           I will strive to judge and gossip less.   

          I will try to make a new friend whenever possible.

    
What are YOUR goals for May??

perspective

We each are dealt a specific hand in life and the challenges are unique and specific to us.

Each of us have some trial and/or difficultly we're currently facing and how it feels is also unique.  No two brains, hearts, or spirits FEEL the same way. So, what seems like no big deal to me, may feel overwhelming and earth shattering to you.

This is why it makes me sad when people say to one another, "this is supposed to be the best time," or "well if you don't like it now, it's all just downhill from here." Comments like these can make some feel like a failure.

I have to amazing, GREAT, little monsters who call me mom. However, one is incredibly high needs with a very specific set of challenges that we're still trying to learn how to navigate. The other is a sensitive and emotional child who also has many needs. Neither of these things are "bad" but they are difficult, exhausting, and at times very stressful.  This does not mean that I love my children any less than the next mother or that I wouldn't take a bullet and walk through the depths of hell to protect and fight for my monsters. What it means, is that I get tired, emotionally and physically, I get frazzled, and I need lots of love and support.

This week, my husband is gone on a cushy business trip to an exciting destination. Unfortunately, this leaves me feeling rather alone.

Each day, I am solely responsible for the children from the moment they wake.  I count the minutes until 5 pm comes and I can have a few precious minutes of reprieve before diving into dinner and bedtime routines. But this week, there will be no reprieve, no knight in shining armour to swoop in just in the nick of time to distract the children while Momma puts her feet up and downs a tall glass of ice water. It seems daunting to face this week feeling entirely alone in the world.

I've never made light of my struggles with post partum depression but I don't consider myself a negative Nancy either.

So it hurts my heart a bit when people suggest that if I just had a better attitude about the coming days, it would all be easier.

When someone tells me that I should be savoring every moment because some day I'll miss the tantrums, I feel incredibly judged and like I'm doing something wrong.

I will miss the quiet moments with my daughter nestled at my breast. I will miss the rare times of stillness as I read a book or two to my son while he sits in my lap.  I will miss the yummy smell that is so unique to small children.  I'll miss the stumbley toddler steps and the adorable way they struggle to make their words sound like mine. I'll probably even miss the way they NEED me every moment of every day.

But I highly doubt I will miss the years of sleepless nights, the screaming fits complete with hitting and biting, and I feel certain that I will not miss repeatedly saying "DO NOT hit/kick/knock over your sister," or "Please keep your hands to yourself!" I am certain I will not miss poopy diapers and especially not miss poop in the tub.

You see, I think it's all about perspective. We perceive our way to be right and our advice needed. We perceive our lot in life to be the most difficult. And so we pass judgement and, whether intentionally or not, toss out biting remarks.

As I look around, in the quiet night, while my children are peacefully tucked in their beds, I realize that there is no comparison, both no need for one and no ability to accurately do so.
We each carry our own individual burden and some of us do so at greater cost than others but the cost and weight can not be compared. I try to find the good in each day and strive to do my best with my children. So believe me when I say that I'm doing the very best I can. Some days that's more and some days it's less but it's the best I can do today and I can not give more.