So, I have this absolutely AMAZING friend, who I call "my sister I chose." She is a truly awesome friend and we have supported each other through A LOT over the 7 years we've known each other. Together, we've survived quite a roller coaster of ups and downs and could take on the whole world hand in hand (with our cute hubbies- who've know each other since diapers in tow- of course!).
Sunday, I got the BEST news ever. Seriously, I think I'm more excited/overjoyed/ecstatic than any other day of wonderfulness in my own life!
My dear friend and her husband are adopting a baby girl in just THREE WEEKS!
My heart is SO full and there are no words to express my emotions. Along with all the love and excitement I'm feeling for them, my testimony has been so strengthened by their experiences, faith, and examples. Never before in my life have I been able to see so tangibly the hand of our Heavenly Father at work. I will refrain from sharing all the private details of their experience, but is aw-inspiring to see how He guides us and places us exactly where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to get there.
Often the path we walk is not how we thought it would be; its longer, rougher, has some blind turns and even forces us to retrace our steps at times but it is always for a purpose and for our good. And part of the process is learning not just to weather the storm but to dance in the rain. This cute couple has definitely learned to make lemonade and their dreams are coming true.
I know that they will be AMAZING parents and this sweet child will be so loved, blessed, and cherished. And I feel so honored to be a part of their lives. <3
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I've become one of them...
I always knew I'd be a great mom. I'd be fashionable and fabulous just like my pre-baby self; I'd have it all together: great home-work balance, playdates and zoo trips, crafts and cooking, AND I'd look good doing it.
But then, reality set in... I've turned into one of those moms who's scattered and a hot mess from sun up to sun down. If its not attached, I've lost it or will loose it in the near future. I'm frazzled the majority of the time and constantly wishing I had just TEN MORE MINUTES to get ready/where I'm going/etc.
Monday, I called my husband frantically because I couldn't find my wallet. He knew right where it was at: on the back of the couch, under his suit jacket.
Yesterday I organized an errand trip with one of my most favorite people. We regularly go to Target, Walmart, and a few other random places together with one or more child in tow. Its easier and more fun that way. So, we're doing our thing and having fun. We do our errands and buy our things and go home for naps.
An hour later I realize I've bought the wrong light bulbs and forgotten some things at Walmart (my least favorite store but that's a story for another day...). After all the kids are tucked in for the night, my friend and I trek back out together to Home Depot and the dreaded Walmart. We get the things I've forgotten, stop by Chili's for chips and salsa and head home.
Fast Forward to today and I realize (with child loaded in sling, diaper bag packed for sitter, my bag packed breast pump and all for work, a bag of books for said sitter, and my lunch) that I can't find my wallet.
I drive to our sitter's house; she happens to be the friend I was with last night. She checks her van and we go over the evening together. We're sure I had it when I got home.
My husband, who is really good at finding things I've lost, calls me to say he can't find my wallet in the house. I call the Chili's. They don't have it. I'm sure I had it at Chili's... Guess I'll call Walmart anyway. Sure enough, they have it. I've spent the whole day looking for my wallet and it was at the last place I looked.
I'm officially one of those crazy moms who can't ever seem to keep it all together or get where they're supposed to be on time. Guess the joke's on me!
But then, reality set in... I've turned into one of those moms who's scattered and a hot mess from sun up to sun down. If its not attached, I've lost it or will loose it in the near future. I'm frazzled the majority of the time and constantly wishing I had just TEN MORE MINUTES to get ready/where I'm going/etc.
Monday, I called my husband frantically because I couldn't find my wallet. He knew right where it was at: on the back of the couch, under his suit jacket.
Yesterday I organized an errand trip with one of my most favorite people. We regularly go to Target, Walmart, and a few other random places together with one or more child in tow. Its easier and more fun that way. So, we're doing our thing and having fun. We do our errands and buy our things and go home for naps.
An hour later I realize I've bought the wrong light bulbs and forgotten some things at Walmart (my least favorite store but that's a story for another day...). After all the kids are tucked in for the night, my friend and I trek back out together to Home Depot and the dreaded Walmart. We get the things I've forgotten, stop by Chili's for chips and salsa and head home.
Fast Forward to today and I realize (with child loaded in sling, diaper bag packed for sitter, my bag packed breast pump and all for work, a bag of books for said sitter, and my lunch) that I can't find my wallet.
I drive to our sitter's house; she happens to be the friend I was with last night. She checks her van and we go over the evening together. We're sure I had it when I got home.
My husband, who is really good at finding things I've lost, calls me to say he can't find my wallet in the house. I call the Chili's. They don't have it. I'm sure I had it at Chili's... Guess I'll call Walmart anyway. Sure enough, they have it. I've spent the whole day looking for my wallet and it was at the last place I looked.
I'm officially one of those crazy moms who can't ever seem to keep it all together or get where they're supposed to be on time. Guess the joke's on me!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
awesome Ladies
I was watching The Princess Diaries which has lots of strong women in it. They quoted Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." She also said "A woman is like a tea bag--you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."
It got me thinking about all the strong women I have known or been influenced by over the years.
Over the weekend, we braved some cold weather to go to a dinner honoring Influential women of Scouting.
My sweet mother in-law was being recognized for her many years of service to the scouting program and the many boys she has helped get their Eagle. The love, service, and charity she has given to those around her (not just in scouting) is inspiring and I hope I can grow to be more like her.
At this event were many strong and inspiring women. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Margaret Nadauld. She served as the General Young Women's President for several years and her talks and books have always reminded me of our divine qualities and abilities as women.
My very favorite talk of hers is The Joy of Womanhood where she reminds us of our inherent capacity to love, our strength and grace.
"Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity."
My mother is also a very strong women. She pulled herself up by her boot straps and over came great odds to make a better life for herself and her family. Among many other difficult things, she got both her bachelors and masters degrees while she worked full time and had kids at home. She has always just done what was needed without a mention of any hardship she felt. She has been a great example of strength and courage to me over the years.
I feel so blessed to have been in the company of such great ladies who remind me of the strength I have inside.
... Just one more quote for Eleanor:
Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
It got me thinking about all the strong women I have known or been influenced by over the years.
Over the weekend, we braved some cold weather to go to a dinner honoring Influential women of Scouting.
My sweet mother in-law was being recognized for her many years of service to the scouting program and the many boys she has helped get their Eagle. The love, service, and charity she has given to those around her (not just in scouting) is inspiring and I hope I can grow to be more like her.
At this event were many strong and inspiring women. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Margaret Nadauld. She served as the General Young Women's President for several years and her talks and books have always reminded me of our divine qualities and abilities as women.
My very favorite talk of hers is The Joy of Womanhood where she reminds us of our inherent capacity to love, our strength and grace.
"Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity."
My mother is also a very strong women. She pulled herself up by her boot straps and over came great odds to make a better life for herself and her family. Among many other difficult things, she got both her bachelors and masters degrees while she worked full time and had kids at home. She has always just done what was needed without a mention of any hardship she felt. She has been a great example of strength and courage to me over the years.
I feel so blessed to have been in the company of such great ladies who remind me of the strength I have inside.
... Just one more quote for Eleanor:
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Today is a new day
Today is a new day and I'm ready to embrace it, to move forward, and to quit looking over my shoulder.
But first, we should talk about where I've been...
Let me begin by telling you about myself...
I have struggled with depression and self loathing on and off my whole life due to my brutal childhood. Could have been worse, but definitely could have been A LOT better.
But, I was the girl who was cute and curvy, confident and fun. I LOVED to run, dance, and be on colorguard so with all that exercise, could eat whatever I wanted. When I graduated high school in 2004, I was a size 6 and tipped the scales at 140.
Quickly came the full time sit down job and the man of my dreams. Between working all day, playing all night, and adding "fourth meal" as we like to call it, (you know, those late night runs to Taco Bell because we stayed out so late we're hungry again) I couldn't find much time for running. And, dancing in a class setting was definitely out of the question.
Fast forward a year and on our wedding day I was barely squeezing into a size 10 and nearly 180 lbs. Yep, that's right! 40 lbs in just one year. I know what you're thinking "wow! Quit shoveling it in girl!" I was thinking it too. We bought a condo, worked and went to school, and tried to learn how to be married.
Add to the first year of marriage bumps and bruises to a whole mess of family problems and, you guessed it! Another 20 lbs.
So, there I was. Married just one year, turning 20 and weighing in at a whopping 200lbs! Sure, that may not sound like a ton, but I get fat all over and it was apparent. Gradually, over the next couple of years I added another 20lbs. Lost a few here and there with some crazy crash dieting but always seemed to find it again. I was comfortable in my job, my marriage, and trying to figure out what the future held for me and for us.
In 2008, I found myself turning 22 at 225, size 18, and in cosmetology school with a lot of girls who were cuter and trendier and all around prettier than me. So, with some determination and hard work I managed to drop 40lbs and tone up over the course of about 6 months that year. By Christmas 2008 I was squeezing back into my old size 12's and tip-toeing around the 190 mark. I was still not in love with my body, but I could live with it. And, I was happy; the future looked bright, I was finally getting closer to where I really wanted to be.
Unfortunately, in spring 2009 I got a little lazy in my post-school, working 3 jobs, haze and put a few lbs back on, but nothing I couldn't handle. I found a job I loved that would pay the bills all on its own and dismissed the others. Again, I got determined and started running. It was hard work but at least I was enjoying it...sometimes. I toned up a bit and could fit in that pesky Jr's size 11 that had been haunting me for some time but was still hovering around the 200 mark.
We were nauseatingly happy!
And then, it happened... We'd been happily married 4 years, worked out all the kinks, and were nearly blissful. Besides, I was 23, not technically in my early twenties anymore. So, its only logical that my sweet husband would persuade me the time was right to try and get pregnant. And we did.
I knew I was still over weight and that I should really only gain 20lbs at the most. And, for a while, I did okay. I started this pregnancy by losing 15 lbs from all the puking. But, sure enough, I found that weight and 50lbs more. That's right, I said 50lbs.
I was determined to get right to work and shed the unwanted pounds. I knew I was meant to be a mother, it was the one thing I always knew I wanted growing up. So, naturally I'd be great at it and would learn how to juggle and manage quickly, sure there would be a bit of a learning curve but I'd get the hang of it. Then it would be easy to squeeze in runs and Turbo Jam while my beloved munchkin napped.
The day my 8lbs 15oz, 23inch little bundle of joy came into the world I lost 23 pounds and by the time he was 5 days old I'd shed another 18lbs in water weight. So, that only left 9lbs left to get my pre-baby weight. I figured that would be a piece of cake to drop and then I could get to work on getting rid of those other pesky pounds I'd been hanging onto be for the pregnancy.
Some where between the midnight feedings, dirty diapers, and piles of laundry, reality set in. No one really told me how truly hard, exhausting, and LONELY being a new mother is. I've written in the past about the Post Partum Depression I've suffered from since my sweet boy was born. It took me a while to realize the toll that PPD took on my marriage too. I thought I was alone in the damage done, but I was wrong.
But, I'm doing the work and getting better. We're getting better as a couple too.
Over the years, I've had more than my fair share of ups and downs; I've had toxic relationships and successfully rid myself of them. I've been "better" before and know that I can be there again.
As I'm recovering, my thoughts naturally turn to the past... To the days when I was cute, I was vibrant, I was sassy, and I was SKINNY. I didn't bitch out my amazing, wonderful husband just because I didn't feel good. I was fun. And, above all, I was cute and skinny. I like me then.
Recently I have realized that to be truly healed and to truly move forward we have to let go of the past.
I read a quote from some one that said Forgiveness doesn't mean we'll ever go back to what we had, it means "I'm moving forward." A hard lesson I've learned is that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. In forgiving others, I must also forgive myself so I may truly move on.
So, Today is a new day and I plan to move forward. I can still work towards being cute and skinny again but only in the interest of health and learning to love myself the way I am. I can still strive to vibrant and sassy, funny and friendly again, but not how I was; I can be better than that.
I am moving forward.
But first, we should talk about where I've been...
Let me begin by telling you about myself...
I have struggled with depression and self loathing on and off my whole life due to my brutal childhood. Could have been worse, but definitely could have been A LOT better.
But, I was the girl who was cute and curvy, confident and fun. I LOVED to run, dance, and be on colorguard so with all that exercise, could eat whatever I wanted. When I graduated high school in 2004, I was a size 6 and tipped the scales at 140.
Quickly came the full time sit down job and the man of my dreams. Between working all day, playing all night, and adding "fourth meal" as we like to call it, (you know, those late night runs to Taco Bell because we stayed out so late we're hungry again) I couldn't find much time for running. And, dancing in a class setting was definitely out of the question.
Fast forward a year and on our wedding day I was barely squeezing into a size 10 and nearly 180 lbs. Yep, that's right! 40 lbs in just one year. I know what you're thinking "wow! Quit shoveling it in girl!" I was thinking it too. We bought a condo, worked and went to school, and tried to learn how to be married.
Add to the first year of marriage bumps and bruises to a whole mess of family problems and, you guessed it! Another 20 lbs.
So, there I was. Married just one year, turning 20 and weighing in at a whopping 200lbs! Sure, that may not sound like a ton, but I get fat all over and it was apparent. Gradually, over the next couple of years I added another 20lbs. Lost a few here and there with some crazy crash dieting but always seemed to find it again. I was comfortable in my job, my marriage, and trying to figure out what the future held for me and for us.
In 2008, I found myself turning 22 at 225, size 18, and in cosmetology school with a lot of girls who were cuter and trendier and all around prettier than me. So, with some determination and hard work I managed to drop 40lbs and tone up over the course of about 6 months that year. By Christmas 2008 I was squeezing back into my old size 12's and tip-toeing around the 190 mark. I was still not in love with my body, but I could live with it. And, I was happy; the future looked bright, I was finally getting closer to where I really wanted to be.
Unfortunately, in spring 2009 I got a little lazy in my post-school, working 3 jobs, haze and put a few lbs back on, but nothing I couldn't handle. I found a job I loved that would pay the bills all on its own and dismissed the others. Again, I got determined and started running. It was hard work but at least I was enjoying it...sometimes. I toned up a bit and could fit in that pesky Jr's size 11 that had been haunting me for some time but was still hovering around the 200 mark.
We were nauseatingly happy!
And then, it happened... We'd been happily married 4 years, worked out all the kinks, and were nearly blissful. Besides, I was 23, not technically in my early twenties anymore. So, its only logical that my sweet husband would persuade me the time was right to try and get pregnant. And we did.
I knew I was still over weight and that I should really only gain 20lbs at the most. And, for a while, I did okay. I started this pregnancy by losing 15 lbs from all the puking. But, sure enough, I found that weight and 50lbs more. That's right, I said 50lbs.
I was determined to get right to work and shed the unwanted pounds. I knew I was meant to be a mother, it was the one thing I always knew I wanted growing up. So, naturally I'd be great at it and would learn how to juggle and manage quickly, sure there would be a bit of a learning curve but I'd get the hang of it. Then it would be easy to squeeze in runs and Turbo Jam while my beloved munchkin napped.
The day my 8lbs 15oz, 23inch little bundle of joy came into the world I lost 23 pounds and by the time he was 5 days old I'd shed another 18lbs in water weight. So, that only left 9lbs left to get my pre-baby weight. I figured that would be a piece of cake to drop and then I could get to work on getting rid of those other pesky pounds I'd been hanging onto be for the pregnancy.
Some where between the midnight feedings, dirty diapers, and piles of laundry, reality set in. No one really told me how truly hard, exhausting, and LONELY being a new mother is. I've written in the past about the Post Partum Depression I've suffered from since my sweet boy was born. It took me a while to realize the toll that PPD took on my marriage too. I thought I was alone in the damage done, but I was wrong.
But, I'm doing the work and getting better. We're getting better as a couple too.
Over the years, I've had more than my fair share of ups and downs; I've had toxic relationships and successfully rid myself of them. I've been "better" before and know that I can be there again.
As I'm recovering, my thoughts naturally turn to the past... To the days when I was cute, I was vibrant, I was sassy, and I was SKINNY. I didn't bitch out my amazing, wonderful husband just because I didn't feel good. I was fun. And, above all, I was cute and skinny. I like me then.
Recently I have realized that to be truly healed and to truly move forward we have to let go of the past.
I read a quote from some one that said Forgiveness doesn't mean we'll ever go back to what we had, it means "I'm moving forward." A hard lesson I've learned is that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. In forgiving others, I must also forgive myself so I may truly move on.
So, Today is a new day and I plan to move forward. I can still work towards being cute and skinny again but only in the interest of health and learning to love myself the way I am. I can still strive to vibrant and sassy, funny and friendly again, but not how I was; I can be better than that.
I am moving forward.
Friday, December 10, 2010
be honest
I think honesty really is the best policy. Be honest with those around you and tell the truth (obviously tact is necessary).
Be confident in who you are and when you are asked a question, be HONEST. Have "Fierce Conversations" as an awesome lady I know puts it.
It is ok to have confrontation conversations about real issues. Have fierce conversations with your husband, sister, mother, coworker, etc. When planning a fierce conversation, it is best to map out your thoughts in advance and get all the emotion out on paper. Then, ask the person you have conflict with to sit down with you for a chat. Be clear and concise, and use feeling words: "it hurts my feelings when you say..." or "I get frustrated when..." Then, give the other person time to formulate thoughts and respond. As difficult as it can be, try to maintain a level head, be respectful, and do not escalate to a screaming match.
Even when you're upset and frustrated, it is best when your frustrations are expressed respectfully and with love.
Next time your hubby asks you what's wrong, instead of saying "fine" while smoke comes out your ears, try "well, I'm Upset/frustrated/sad/hurt because...."
Trust me, I know how difficult this can all be. It's a lot easier to mutter profanities under your breath than tell the truth and get it out of your system but telling the truth and clearing the air is a lot less stress inducing. So, be honest and have fierce conversations.
Be confident in who you are and when you are asked a question, be HONEST. Have "Fierce Conversations" as an awesome lady I know puts it.
It is ok to have confrontation conversations about real issues. Have fierce conversations with your husband, sister, mother, coworker, etc. When planning a fierce conversation, it is best to map out your thoughts in advance and get all the emotion out on paper. Then, ask the person you have conflict with to sit down with you for a chat. Be clear and concise, and use feeling words: "it hurts my feelings when you say..." or "I get frustrated when..." Then, give the other person time to formulate thoughts and respond. As difficult as it can be, try to maintain a level head, be respectful, and do not escalate to a screaming match.
Even when you're upset and frustrated, it is best when your frustrations are expressed respectfully and with love.
Next time your hubby asks you what's wrong, instead of saying "fine" while smoke comes out your ears, try "well, I'm Upset/frustrated/sad/hurt because...."
Trust me, I know how difficult this can all be. It's a lot easier to mutter profanities under your breath than tell the truth and get it out of your system but telling the truth and clearing the air is a lot less stress inducing. So, be honest and have fierce conversations.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Let's be real...
Let's be real, honest, and open.
Currently, there is a huge stigma associated with mental health issues. Because of the stigma associated with mental health disease and disorder, people like me do not seek support or treatment which exacerbates any issues. I have pretended to be fine and masked my symptoms for a long time but will no longer do so. I am choosing to be open and honest about my struggles in the hopes that it helps someone else in the future.
Many have never suffered from depression, anxiety, or self image issues and do not understand those that do. Mental health disorders can be inherited, environmentally induced, or a combination of both.
I have a borderline personality disorder. I am also currently suffering from postpartum depression.
What does this mean?
Borderline personality disorder is also know as emotional regulation disorder. Symptoms of BPD can include depression, anxiety, anger issues, impulsively, mood swings, emotional instability, abandonment issues, feelings of inadequacy and is identical to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in causes, symptoms, and treatment. BPD is most commonly environmentally induced during childhood by abuse or situations of heavy fighting and conflict. Approximately 2% of adults live with BPD.
Postpartum depression is caused by the hormonal and chemical imbalances after giving birth. It is characterised by sadness, irritability, excessive guilty, extreme fatigue, inability or lack of desire to care for one's child or self.
I have been living with BPD for many years now. It means that every day I have to wake up and make a conscience effort to function. After our conversation, I will analyze it repeatedly in my head to see what I should have said differently and if I made a complete fool of myself. Until recently, my symptoms were very well controlled and I was feeling great the majority of the time. I worked hard to get to a place where my mood swings and anger issues were in check. I was in a very good place in my life. Then I got pregnant.
My pregnancy was far from easy; in fact, I HATE being pregnant.
Let me be very clear: I love my beautiful baby boy more than life itself and would do anything for him. He and his father are my world and I would be lost without them. But, I am suffering.
One of the hardest things for me is that I have this gorgeous happy little person who glows and giggles every time he sees my face and yet I feel an emptiness inside. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom, but it is very hard... the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes I put him in his jumper-roo (which is the best invention ever) and lay on the couch staring at him because I just need a moment.
Everyone tells me that I am a great mom and seem to be totally in my element and yet I feel completely inadequate. I often feel sorry that this amazing little spirit ended up stuck with me.
I imagine the sleep deprivation that sets in the moment your new bundle of joy enters the world is a leading cause of PPD and yet I feel guilty for not getting up when he wakes in the night and for taking a nap with him because my "to-do" list isn't getting any shorter.
When I'm home with him, I don't get much done because I feel like I need to make up for the four days I just worked. So we sing and play and I rarely leave his side. When I'm at work, I stress and worry about the care he is getting. Even though I know he is in good hands, they are not mine.
All of my short comings have become magnified and I worry constantly about the future and things I have no control over. On the outside, I appear to have it all together and look the part of the happy working mom who has figured out how to juggle it all. But on the inside, I'm a category 5 hurricane about to make land fall and everyone who knows what's good for them has already taken cover. I'm angry, irritable, and on the brink of tears. My poor sweet husband has taken more than his fair share of bulldozings and beratings.
So what happens now?
Well, the first step is admission. I've done that. Next comes therapy. We'll try that for awhile.
If therapy alone is unsuccessful, I may need anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. Not ideal, but maybe necessary. With treatment, I can be that happy, balance, and peaceful girl I used to be.
Bottom line: Don't ignore your issues or that of those around you. Speak up; get help. Don't judge and be supportive.
I laid it all out on the line. I'll be better for it. What's your issue?
Currently, there is a huge stigma associated with mental health issues. Because of the stigma associated with mental health disease and disorder, people like me do not seek support or treatment which exacerbates any issues. I have pretended to be fine and masked my symptoms for a long time but will no longer do so. I am choosing to be open and honest about my struggles in the hopes that it helps someone else in the future.
Many have never suffered from depression, anxiety, or self image issues and do not understand those that do. Mental health disorders can be inherited, environmentally induced, or a combination of both.
I have a borderline personality disorder. I am also currently suffering from postpartum depression.
What does this mean?
Borderline personality disorder is also know as emotional regulation disorder. Symptoms of BPD can include depression, anxiety, anger issues, impulsively, mood swings, emotional instability, abandonment issues, feelings of inadequacy and is identical to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in causes, symptoms, and treatment. BPD is most commonly environmentally induced during childhood by abuse or situations of heavy fighting and conflict. Approximately 2% of adults live with BPD.
Postpartum depression is caused by the hormonal and chemical imbalances after giving birth. It is characterised by sadness, irritability, excessive guilty, extreme fatigue, inability or lack of desire to care for one's child or self.
I have been living with BPD for many years now. It means that every day I have to wake up and make a conscience effort to function. After our conversation, I will analyze it repeatedly in my head to see what I should have said differently and if I made a complete fool of myself. Until recently, my symptoms were very well controlled and I was feeling great the majority of the time. I worked hard to get to a place where my mood swings and anger issues were in check. I was in a very good place in my life. Then I got pregnant.
My pregnancy was far from easy; in fact, I HATE being pregnant.
Let me be very clear: I love my beautiful baby boy more than life itself and would do anything for him. He and his father are my world and I would be lost without them. But, I am suffering.
One of the hardest things for me is that I have this gorgeous happy little person who glows and giggles every time he sees my face and yet I feel an emptiness inside. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom, but it is very hard... the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes I put him in his jumper-roo (which is the best invention ever) and lay on the couch staring at him because I just need a moment.
Everyone tells me that I am a great mom and seem to be totally in my element and yet I feel completely inadequate. I often feel sorry that this amazing little spirit ended up stuck with me.
I imagine the sleep deprivation that sets in the moment your new bundle of joy enters the world is a leading cause of PPD and yet I feel guilty for not getting up when he wakes in the night and for taking a nap with him because my "to-do" list isn't getting any shorter.
When I'm home with him, I don't get much done because I feel like I need to make up for the four days I just worked. So we sing and play and I rarely leave his side. When I'm at work, I stress and worry about the care he is getting. Even though I know he is in good hands, they are not mine.
All of my short comings have become magnified and I worry constantly about the future and things I have no control over. On the outside, I appear to have it all together and look the part of the happy working mom who has figured out how to juggle it all. But on the inside, I'm a category 5 hurricane about to make land fall and everyone who knows what's good for them has already taken cover. I'm angry, irritable, and on the brink of tears. My poor sweet husband has taken more than his fair share of bulldozings and beratings.
So what happens now?
Well, the first step is admission. I've done that. Next comes therapy. We'll try that for awhile.
If therapy alone is unsuccessful, I may need anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. Not ideal, but maybe necessary. With treatment, I can be that happy, balance, and peaceful girl I used to be.
Bottom line: Don't ignore your issues or that of those around you. Speak up; get help. Don't judge and be supportive.
I laid it all out on the line. I'll be better for it. What's your issue?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I know who I am
Some times people seem skeptical of my life choices when they find out that I am 24 years old, have been married five years, and have a 4 month old. I frequently hear "you're just a baby!!" or "how can you know what you want out of life when you are so young?"
So, let's get something straight: I know who I am.
I am a part time housewife (albeit not a very good one...), part time working woman, and full time mommy!
I am mostly crazy: a bit high strung, seriously opinionated, and definitely high maintenance.
I try to be sweet, but I have to work hard at it because I'm mostly sassy.
I say what I think more often than I should and stick my foot (sometimes both) in my mouth frequently. After our conversation, I'll replay it in my head at least twice to make sure I didn't make a total fool of myself.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and you'll usually know what mood I'm in immediately. And for better or worse, I'm an emotional girl, VERY passionate and feel things in extremes.
I'm dark and angsty, and can be very calculated.
I have a temper like an atomic bomb with a hair trigger. I try hard to set off warning sirens before I explode, but some days are better than others.
I am young in years but have been to hell and back and experienced things many people haven't. I've been down, depressed, seen rock bottom and have scars to prove it. Some days are wonderful and some days I feel like I'm drowning.
While not all of these things are good, I recognize them and take them in stride. Every day I do my best to improve the bad and strengthen the good in myself.
I know who I am. Do you?
So, let's get something straight: I know who I am.
I am a part time housewife (albeit not a very good one...), part time working woman, and full time mommy!
I am mostly crazy: a bit high strung, seriously opinionated, and definitely high maintenance.
I try to be sweet, but I have to work hard at it because I'm mostly sassy.
I say what I think more often than I should and stick my foot (sometimes both) in my mouth frequently. After our conversation, I'll replay it in my head at least twice to make sure I didn't make a total fool of myself.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and you'll usually know what mood I'm in immediately. And for better or worse, I'm an emotional girl, VERY passionate and feel things in extremes.
I'm dark and angsty, and can be very calculated.
I have a temper like an atomic bomb with a hair trigger. I try hard to set off warning sirens before I explode, but some days are better than others.
I am young in years but have been to hell and back and experienced things many people haven't. I've been down, depressed, seen rock bottom and have scars to prove it. Some days are wonderful and some days I feel like I'm drowning.
While not all of these things are good, I recognize them and take them in stride. Every day I do my best to improve the bad and strengthen the good in myself.
I know who I am. Do you?
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