Shift. And Pause.

Sometimes in life we go through things that change us; for better or worse, it tends to be permanent.
For most, it's the death of a loved one, cancer, lay offs that result in career shifts. Ya know, generally HUGE things. I never regarded pregnancy and having children as something that could cause such dramatic change to my core like those other things. I mean, I knew that having children would change me but I had no idea just how much.

After having each of my children, I faced enormous odds in my mental health and in how I cope. Mine was not a happy upbringing, and I've never been the kind of girl who could be considered generally happy until the years immediately preceding the arrival of my beautiful little monsters. My husband and I were disgustingly, deliriously, happy the vast majority of the time when we decided to bring children into our life. But no one really talks about just how hard having children can be or just how much your marriage can suffer if you don't put forth enough effort. I have spent the better part of the past three and a half years depressed. Not sad, real, all encompassing, overwhelming, struggling to function, DEPRESSED.

The birth of each child has forced me to reevaluate who I am to the core, as a person, a friend, a wife, a daughter, and now a mother. I've done this work before. It's how we came to be blissful in our life B.C. (before children). However, I had to walk the hard road all over again, and sometimes crawl when I couldn't find the strength to stand. I had to deal with all the shit that I've survived all over again and RE-learn how to forgive and let go. Trust me when I say, "This is not an easy journey." It is HARD; it is PAINFUL. But each time, there comes a point that I can see the bottom and I know that all I have left to do is turn and fight, to take the hard road and pray that I come out alright on the other side. There is always collateral damage. There is always change in both myself and my relationships. Sometimes those relationships fail. And sometimes they don't.

Over the years, I've had many close friends who become like family. Yet somewhere along the lines, the friendships begin to not serve one or both of us and so things have to change. And that's okay, sometimes change is good. It's not uncommon for these friends to drift apart and go separate ways. Although I'll always love them and save a chair for them at our "family" gatherings (to me, family is the people I love, my village if you will, not just blood)

A while back when I was deeply entrenched in my work, someone I love dearly told me that I can be like an immovable rock and that those around me are forced to conform to fit because I will not change shape. At the time, this cut deeply and I distanced myself from them. Looking back though, I see the truth of this and think this person knew me better than most others and was able to say something from a place of love that most others could never have. I needed to hear that even though it hurt.

Through this process of reevaluation and shift, I'm learning how to change my shape. I can still be unyielding and uncompromising but I now am able to see how my relationships can benefit from my being able to shift.
I'm learning... er, stumbling, to take care of my own needs and feelings FIRST so that I may take care of the needs and feelings of those who share space with me.

I'm learning to discern which feelings deserve a moment of processing before being discarded and which deserve to be spoken and expressed. Empathy can be difficult to learn. The unfortunate side effect of learning this new skill of mine is that I am now even more sensitive. HAHA! I didn't know that was possible!!

I have a greater ability to sense others' emotions, especially my little monsters and my family.

I've always been the kind of person who will care for those I love at my own expense. I'm inherently a care giver. To a fault. I "give" so much of myself, that sometimes I loose myself and frequently run on empty.
But there comes a point when I have to draw the line in the sand. I can only give, reach out, and initiate friendship so much before I have to stop. You see, part of that learning empathy I've been doing, means I have to have some for myself. It's probably the single hardest lesson I've had to learn.

Relationships inherently require a certain level of vulnerability but sometimes you have to pause and have empathy and care for yourself. So here I am. I'm giving pause. I'm patiently waiting, hoping, that a hand will extend my way with just a little love and watch-keeping that I'm in need of at this moment.

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Princess

It's been a while since I've posted and I'm ok with that. Life happens. 

Like, for example, small people and their daddy being sick for like a WHOLE. MONTH. It has sucked. Hard core. And I'm exhausted. But I'm ready to at least attempt to get back to my life. HA! ...with two toddlers around, who know what will happen tomorrow.

One thing I missed in my blog-acation was the birthday of my beautiful Princess Girl. She turned TWO on the fifth of this month! And of course I can't let such an occasion pass without showing you a little of the girl we adore so much!

we loved and knew her from belly to birth. 

She had us all absolutely smitten the moment we laid eyes on her and heard the song of her strong tiny lungs. She took her timeand came to us only when SHE was ready. Her sweet and sassy disposition was clear immediately and more apparent with each passing day. We love her sass and spunk more every day. I am SO blessed to be her Momma. 

 xoxo,
Sara


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Choosing Work

About 5 weeks ago, I began a journey into a higher level of peaceful, empathetic parenting. It's been an incredibly painful and difficult process but most of the best things are.

In the first few weeks, I was asked to come to terms with how I was parented and then to understand how it affects the way I parent and the things that elicit an emotional response from me.

I would venture to say that most of us would rather not dig into old wounds especially if they're still figuratively festering. Somethings are better left buried but in the case of emotional trauma, I think it's almost always beneficial to "do the work" and settle the past to let it go.

I could be considered an emotionally volatile person in that I have deep emotional responses when triggered. One of the hardest things I'm learning to do is understand when what I'm feeling isn't serving me. In those cases, I allow myself time to sit with the potentially irrational emotion and understand why I'm feeling it. Even "irrational" emotions deserve their day in the sun, to be heard and honored. Once I've sifted through things a bit, I do my best to turn the metaphorical burner off and allow it to simmer down and cool. I let it go.

Once I let it go, I move on to more situationally appropriate emotions that serve me, my kids, and whomever else I'm interacting with. I'm striving to live my life and feel my emotions more compassionately and empathetically.

I've learned something that is life changing for me: until this point, I've considered myself "broken" and "damaged." I tossed these words around in the description of myself for so long that it's started to feel like a safe place. But the reality is, I'm not actually either of those things. Those words describe a victim to whom things happen. I have come to the realization that depression is a state of being, like a pot of stew simmer on the stove. It doesn't require any action on it's own account. Someone else is doing all the work, adjusting the temperature and adding ingredients at will. Depression is an existence.

Emotion, on the other hand, require action. Sadness takes time to cope with, sometimes tears and sometimes the ear of an understanding and trusted friend. Sadness is a progressive emotion. Depression takes up residence.

This is not to say that depression is a choice for everyone. There are many people, myself included at times, who are truly overwhelmed and debilitated by depression that feels like outside force weighing down our breath. This is different from choosing to exist in a depressed state of being as I have allowed myself these last few months. It was easier to wallow in pain than to feel real emotion.

Regardless of whether our depression is inherent or a choice, WORK is always a choice. I choose to do work.

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Help support boobs and babies!

I've got a special request today: a friend and really amazing woman I know, Angie, needs our help with some research in support of boobs and babies!
As a mother who has donated milk to other babies, and as a lactation counselor who has helped mothers find donors for their babies, this topic is near and dear to my heart.
Angie is making every effort to increase knowledge and evidence based practices. 

PLEASE take a moment to read the following info and fill out Angie's survey.

Don't forget to share with your friends nationwide!

Much Love!
xoxo,
Sara



Exploration of the Nature of Private Arrangement Breast Milk Sharing

Gentle Families! Arizona State University College of Nursing and Health Innovation researcher Angie Bond is conducting research to describe the milk sharing community and milk sharing practices of donors and recipients facilitated through social media. This research involves about 15 minutes of your time, consists of a one-time online survey through Survey Monkey. The results will be used to inform researchers, medical providers, and lactation professionals about the practices of milk sharing and to focus future efforts on providing support for families who choose to share milk privately. Results will be analyzed and made available to participating milk sharing networks.

Participation helps to build support for choices! https://www.surveymonky.com/s/ASU_Milk_Sharing

Research FAQ’s

Q.What is it you are researching?
A. We are exploring the nature of the relationships involved in private arrangement sharing of breast milk. We hope to better understand why families choose to share milk. We want to be able to describe the things families feel are important about one another in making a private arrangement to share milk.

Q. How will the research be conducted?
A. The research survey is an anonymous, and completed at the SurveyMonkey link https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ASU_Milk_Sharing The link takes those who wish to participate to the survey. It should take about 15 minutes to complete. Questions are about milk sharing experiences and general information about the survey taker.

Q. How will this research be used?
A. Final results will be released to the participating milk sharing networks to share with their users. The aggregated (the whole group of data) results will be presented at a research and professional conference next summer, and published soon after.

Q. Why do this research?
A. A member of the research team has been a donor through Eats On Feets and through the Denver Milk Bank. She has worked with many families and professionals who are interested in milk sharing. Families and professionals want evidence based information to help in the decision making process. This is the beginning of developing that base of evidence, while respecting the dignity and the intimacy of the decisions which go into choosing milk sharing.

Q. What other research will be done?
A. By starting from scratch and going straight to those who are participating in milk sharing, a foundation for discussing the actual challenges and benefits as they exist begins. Using this foundation, we will be able to identify the areas in most immediate need of explanation to help families, lactation professionals, and medical providers the information necessary to help families make evidence based decisions about milk sharing.

letting go and fnding peace.

I think, as humans, we struggle most with loss and especially with letting go. Sometimes we're asked to let go of things or places, sometimes dreams and goals, and in the worst of times, we are asked to let go of people.

This year has seen the sacrifice of some of my personal goals and dreams for my family and children but also the passing of many people I love.
Last night, a beautiful little girl, Abigail, who shares my birthday, graduated this life, ending her 2.5 year battle with cancer, and went home to our Father in Heaven's arms.

This loss has caused me to reflect on my own loved ones lost, the life I'm living, and on my faith in God, His Plan, and eternal salvation. Today I have spent much time on explaining the Plan of Salvation and why Mormon funerals are different from others and so I feel compelled to share here as well.

In 1988, Boyd K Packer shared a story of two young missionaries who happened along a funeral for a young boy who had drown and a preacher had been called to "say words." The minister began his sermon and sorely scolded the boy's parents for not having baptized him. He told them their son was lost in endless torment as a result of their not having him baptized him. The parents received no comfort from this minister or from the funeral service for their small child.
The Elders approached the boy's parents after his interment, and told them of the Lord's plan of Salvation. They quoted the Book of Mormon, "Little children need no repentance, neither baptism, "(Moroni 8:11). 
President Packer went on to say, "A comforting, spiritual funeral is of great importance. It helps console the bereaved and establishes a transition from mourning to the reality that we must move forward with life. Whether death is expected or a sudden shock, an inspirational funeral where the doctrines of resurrection, the mediation of Christ, and certainty of life after death are taught strengthens those who must now move on with life."
The revelations tell us that “thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not hope of a glorious resurrection.” (D&C 42:45.)
At times of sorrow and parting one may experience that “peace … which passeth all understanding” (Philip. 4:7) which the scriptures promise. Many have come to marvel in their hearts that such a feeling of peace, even exaltation, can come at the time of such grief and uncertainty.
This peace can only be fostered by reverence and knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.

Plan of Salvation

I have eternal perspective but it is so easy to be lost in the trials of our day to day lives and loose sight of where we are going and where we have come from. Sweet Abigail and her beautiful family never lost sight of their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and in his Plan for them. I am inspired by their blessed example to strive to do better, to find the good in each day, and to keep the faith.

I hope you will join me in praying for the Goss Family and all who have lost. Keep the Faith friends.

xoxo,
Sara

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food stress

I'm a fluffy girl. Always have been, probably always will be. Currently, I'm right around 80lbs over weight... that's a medium sized child if you're keeping track.

I've never had a healthy relationship with food. I often eat my feelings, using food as a coping method for my stressors and depression. Even as a 27 year old, married for more than 8 years, woman, I still feel defensive about my eating habits around my parents and grandparents who are products of the depression-era "you must clean your plate; children are starving some where in the world" mentality.

I also feel pressures to "try" everything on the table even if I know it's not something I like. I can remember, as a child, being forced to eat my green beans and I REALLY hate green beans. There were times I ate them, very last, just so I could finally leave the table. I would head directly to the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat.

Fast forward to having children of my own. I find myself, like many, parenting to compensate for what I perceive to be my parents' missteps (whether real or imagined).
I spend a lot of time trying NOT to transfer food related anxiety to my monsters.

As we've been altering our lifestyle, and especially our eating habits, for the better, I again feel defensive of my choices. Is it really so hard to understand that we don't want our children ingesting countless chemicals, GMO's, and pesticides?? I don't think so, but some do.

I guess what it comes down to is, if I believe I'm doing the best for my family, does it really matter what anyone else think?

What things cause you stress and defensive behaviors??

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the dreaded potty training

We've done this once already with the Monster Man but gave it up after about 5 weeks of #2 issues.
That was nearly a year ago, and now he's three so we've decided to give it another run.

We got some lovely Angry Birds boxer briefs which he's sure to love.

So, Friday, when Momma and Daddy both get home from work, we're making him toss his diapers in the trash.

No yelling, no shaming, no potty parties in this house. We don't want any negative feelings about the bathroom or our bodies.

We're going with the "tell momma when you need to go" and "don't forget to keep your pigs/angry birds/etc dry!" and lots and lots of jelly beans for successes. Hopefully it will be quick and painless....

Wish us luck!!

xoxo,
Sara

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Self discovery and the sauce.

The past few weeks, as I've been back to work, I've learned a lot about myself.

For the first time in my life, I'm realizing who **I** am. Me! Not me as wife, not mother, not cosmetologist or doula or lactation counselor. Just ME.

It's surprisingly interesting.

I'm more sarcastic and direct than I remembered and I laugh more than I have in a loooong time.

Through this process, I've realized just how much I eat my feelings. So my first goal is to get in front of that.

I'm planning to do a 21 day sugar detox in July but before I can do that, Momma's gotta go off the sauce. Diet Dew that is.

So I've got one Diet Dew left in the fridge and when it's gone, I'm all done. . .

I imagine I'm going to be kinda stabby over the next week. You've been warned.

xoxo,
Sara

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back to work

Well, I've decided to go back to work. I truly loved waxing and am excited to be doing that again.

But I do have some mixed feelings about it.

You see, since I was young, all I've ever wanted was to be a mother. And I was very passionate that I wanted to be able to be home with my children if possible. I was a latch key kid and we were mostly on our own for the bulk of the day light hours.

It's not that I believe there was anything wrong with that, but I did know that I wanted something different for me and my future family. So staying home was an easy choice to make when the opportunity arose.

Except, someone neglected to tell me that mothering was difficult. I have learned that I easily loose myself in mothering and in my responsibilities to my little monsters that I love so much. When you're unable to use the bathroom without an audience or take a shower without a clock running or a small one stripping off their diaper to join you, you begin to loose track of the things you used to love about yourself.

Today, a sweet woman asked me what I like to do for myself that no one else benefits from and I couldn't think of one single thing. It took me a solid minute to realize that the thing I wanted most was just to pee alone. Since I've only been back to work a few days, I've decided to let this pass and hope that as the days go by, I'll remember what makes me happy.

It saddens me to discover that I like my children best when I spend regular time away. I wanted to be the kind of woman who could be wholly devoted to my lovely little monsters and yet, I am not. This realization is giving me cause for much reflection. What does this mean for me? What does this say about me as a mother?

For now, I'm working regular hours waxing but as time goes, I hope I can devote more time to helping mothers through my doula and lactation practice.

gossip and goals

Last night, I had the pleasure of spending several hours with a dozen or two women who were complete strangers aside from one woman, who I absolutely adore, that was coordinating the event.

We were crafting.

It could have been so easy to not speak much with those around me or to judge and be critical of what they were wearing or making or any other number of things like what happens when a group of women get together any where. Be it work, social events, play groups, PTA meetings, Facebook mommy groups, or even church, women have a tendency to judge or talk smack.

It makes me sad.

Having been raised with only brothers who loved and protected me, I entered high school, and then corporate America, unprepared for these things. It was a rude awakening for my already damaged self image. Still, I managed to find a friend or two who loved me for who I was.

It only worsened when I left the traditional work force to go to cosmetology school. THAT is a whole different breed of gossipmongering. And, unsurprisingly, the scandals escalated when I worked at a dept. store make up counter as a make up artist and wax specialist. Throw a few Queens into the mix of women and things just may become over the top and outrageous. ;)

I was relieved when I changed jobs; even though it was still an establishment filled entirely of women, my coworkers and I managed to make real and lasting friendships that were not based on meaningless prattle and gossip.

I was raised not to be a pot stirrer and that if we have an issue with someone, it's best to address them directly. More now than ever, I strive to live by that. And so, it was so refreshing and wonderful to spend an evening with women who wanted to strike up friendly, judgement free, conversation with those who sat next to them. There was none of the typical cattiness that comes with a gathering of women, only compliments, laughter, crafts, and the camaraderie of extraordinary women.

I left the event with several new friends and a greater appreciation for the divine sisterhood of women. When we choose to leave the gossip and drama out, amazing and beautiful things happen. I have a profound love for the women I spent the evening with even though I've already forgotten many of their names. It IS possible to have a great time with strangers and make friends in unexpected places.

So that's my goal for the month of May:

           I will strive to judge and gossip less.   

          I will try to make a new friend whenever possible.

    
What are YOUR goals for May??

perspective

We each are dealt a specific hand in life and the challenges are unique and specific to us.

Each of us have some trial and/or difficultly we're currently facing and how it feels is also unique.  No two brains, hearts, or spirits FEEL the same way. So, what seems like no big deal to me, may feel overwhelming and earth shattering to you.

This is why it makes me sad when people say to one another, "this is supposed to be the best time," or "well if you don't like it now, it's all just downhill from here." Comments like these can make some feel like a failure.

I have to amazing, GREAT, little monsters who call me mom. However, one is incredibly high needs with a very specific set of challenges that we're still trying to learn how to navigate. The other is a sensitive and emotional child who also has many needs. Neither of these things are "bad" but they are difficult, exhausting, and at times very stressful.  This does not mean that I love my children any less than the next mother or that I wouldn't take a bullet and walk through the depths of hell to protect and fight for my monsters. What it means, is that I get tired, emotionally and physically, I get frazzled, and I need lots of love and support.

This week, my husband is gone on a cushy business trip to an exciting destination. Unfortunately, this leaves me feeling rather alone.

Each day, I am solely responsible for the children from the moment they wake.  I count the minutes until 5 pm comes and I can have a few precious minutes of reprieve before diving into dinner and bedtime routines. But this week, there will be no reprieve, no knight in shining armour to swoop in just in the nick of time to distract the children while Momma puts her feet up and downs a tall glass of ice water. It seems daunting to face this week feeling entirely alone in the world.

I've never made light of my struggles with post partum depression but I don't consider myself a negative Nancy either.

So it hurts my heart a bit when people suggest that if I just had a better attitude about the coming days, it would all be easier.

When someone tells me that I should be savoring every moment because some day I'll miss the tantrums, I feel incredibly judged and like I'm doing something wrong.

I will miss the quiet moments with my daughter nestled at my breast. I will miss the rare times of stillness as I read a book or two to my son while he sits in my lap.  I will miss the yummy smell that is so unique to small children.  I'll miss the stumbley toddler steps and the adorable way they struggle to make their words sound like mine. I'll probably even miss the way they NEED me every moment of every day.

But I highly doubt I will miss the years of sleepless nights, the screaming fits complete with hitting and biting, and I feel certain that I will not miss repeatedly saying "DO NOT hit/kick/knock over your sister," or "Please keep your hands to yourself!" I am certain I will not miss poopy diapers and especially not miss poop in the tub.

You see, I think it's all about perspective. We perceive our way to be right and our advice needed. We perceive our lot in life to be the most difficult. And so we pass judgement and, whether intentionally or not, toss out biting remarks.

As I look around, in the quiet night, while my children are peacefully tucked in their beds, I realize that there is no comparison, both no need for one and no ability to accurately do so.
We each carry our own individual burden and some of us do so at greater cost than others but the cost and weight can not be compared. I try to find the good in each day and strive to do my best with my children. So believe me when I say that I'm doing the very best I can. Some days that's more and some days it's less but it's the best I can do today and I can not give more.

The Battle

I may have mentioned this a time or two before, but I've got an incredibly strong willed 2yr old, even for a 2 yr old he's strong-willed.

Naps recently ended, which is more than a little heart breaking for me; Momma needs her afternoon nap.

Last night, we struggled several times with our TD Monster for sleep, but each time sleep won out.

This morning, he awoke not only exhausted, but also barking. Oh, the curse of the barking cough! How we loath it!

There were water works and tantrums from the very moment the sun rose... the toddler Monster cried some too.

And thus began

The Battle of the Cranky Croup Monster.

It was hard fought; both sides were fearless and at times teary-eyed. Occasionally the Snot-Nosed Princess joined the ranks, but alas, she has been known to change sides as the tides turn.

The volley was endless and the destruction was great. Oatmeal on the floor; crackers in the hair. Time outs were had, calm down corners aplenty. Toys littered the playroom. er.... Battlefield! Momma's wits were coming to an end. SOS texts were sent to Husband and loved ones but no help arrived.

Books were read and thrown; Bribes offered and denied. And the Children's Benadryl was no-where to be found.

The Snot-Nosed Princess was sequestered. The Pooch was banished to the yard. Momma downed some liquid courage in the form of Diet Mountain Dew. Slowly the Battle moved down to the hall and into the Cranky Croup Monster's Lair.

Woefully the Battle did not wain and Momma was discouraged. There was wrestling and retreating as the Battle escalated to its peak. Momma began to think all lost and prepared to concede defeat. But then, she caught just the smallest glimmer of hope. Could it be?!? Could a triumphant end truly be in sight? She daren't anticipate an easy finish for there was much fight left in the Monster still, but with a sliver of hope, Momma mustered all shreds of strength from every corner of her being.

As the final struggle played out, Momma watched triumphantly as the beast slipped off into a peaceful spring slumber.

And so The Battle of the Cranky Croup Monster, hard fought by all, was won and Momma wistfully closed the door on the resting Monster to sneak off for a sandwich and a nap.

Made By Me Monday

I found an adorable pattern for a bubble romper on Etsy and made it for my Princess to wear in her Valentine Mini session with Jax of Jacquilyn Avery Photography  She does fantastic work and you should follow her on facebook. :)

Here's the result (it's pretty amazing if you ask me!):

You see, I like to knock things out in one quick sitting and frequently cut corners... and procrastinate.  With this one, I probably should have paid a bit more attention to detail. In any case, it came out alright and photographed well. :)

 

I made TD a pocket square out of left over ruffle material from Princess's romper so they matched! He's at the age where asking for a picture is difficult at best, so I'm truly amazed Jax was able to come up with anything let alone four great pics. Here's two.  

 

Happy Valentine's Day from the Domesticated Monsters

 

rough start

2013 is off to a rough start for us.

We've lost a couple of really awesome Uncles. Both had been ill and in pain for some time so there is peace in their passing, the pain is removed. There's also pain. We who are left behind feel pain for the time we must go on without them. It seems long for us but for them, in a beautiful place with our Savior, it is but short.

The last 5 or 6 weeks everyone has been sick at least one but most 2 or more times. I haven't slept more than 3 hours at once since mid December and I literally can't remember the last time I slept 6 straight hours aside from the 2 nights we spent sans niños in Vegas earlier this month. My kids sleep even worse when we're away from home as we have been for funerals.

Being a mom is really tough. Being a sleep deprived mom who suffers from postpartum depression is even tougher. I've not been shy about my struggles but I've not come right out about some of my feelings toward my children.

I love and adore my children, but sometimes I don't LIKE them very much. I have moments of what I like to call "momma rage." Some days they try me to my wits' end and destroy whatever shred of patience I may have once had. I start to feel like I'm not cut out for this job, the most important job I'll ever hold, with the most lasting, eternal consequences.

My fears get the better of me. What if I end up utterly destroying my children the way that my childhood destroyed me? What if I give them cause to question their value and self worth and leave unable to trust in virtually every relationship they have for the rest of their lives? It's easy for me to lay blame for perceived shortcoming on my father and my upbringing. It's easy for me allow the fear to take over.

But, as wise men say, where fear resides faith cannot exist. How can I have faith in the plan for me and my own abilities and strengths if I allow fear to over shadow and over power my life?

I need to have faith in my Heavenly Father. I need to have faith in MYSELF and in my eternal companion. Some how I have to try each moment of every day to let go of those things that have left deep scars invisible to the eye. Letting go is the greatest challenge of my life and a battle I will fight each and every day.

In an effort to maintain my perspective, I've begun writing a journal to each of my monsters. First, I wrote out their birth story for them to hear from my perspective. Every day I try to write down one thing I love about them and one funny/happy thing that happened that day. So far, it's helping but we'll see if I remember to keep writing.

I've never been much good at journaling and my blogging habits are sporadic at best. I'll keep trying, each day to do better than I did yesterday.

So that where I'm at right now.