rough start

2013 is off to a rough start for us.

We've lost a couple of really awesome Uncles. Both had been ill and in pain for some time so there is peace in their passing, the pain is removed. There's also pain. We who are left behind feel pain for the time we must go on without them. It seems long for us but for them, in a beautiful place with our Savior, it is but short.

The last 5 or 6 weeks everyone has been sick at least one but most 2 or more times. I haven't slept more than 3 hours at once since mid December and I literally can't remember the last time I slept 6 straight hours aside from the 2 nights we spent sans niños in Vegas earlier this month. My kids sleep even worse when we're away from home as we have been for funerals.

Being a mom is really tough. Being a sleep deprived mom who suffers from postpartum depression is even tougher. I've not been shy about my struggles but I've not come right out about some of my feelings toward my children.

I love and adore my children, but sometimes I don't LIKE them very much. I have moments of what I like to call "momma rage." Some days they try me to my wits' end and destroy whatever shred of patience I may have once had. I start to feel like I'm not cut out for this job, the most important job I'll ever hold, with the most lasting, eternal consequences.

My fears get the better of me. What if I end up utterly destroying my children the way that my childhood destroyed me? What if I give them cause to question their value and self worth and leave unable to trust in virtually every relationship they have for the rest of their lives? It's easy for me to lay blame for perceived shortcoming on my father and my upbringing. It's easy for me allow the fear to take over.

But, as wise men say, where fear resides faith cannot exist. How can I have faith in the plan for me and my own abilities and strengths if I allow fear to over shadow and over power my life?

I need to have faith in my Heavenly Father. I need to have faith in MYSELF and in my eternal companion. Some how I have to try each moment of every day to let go of those things that have left deep scars invisible to the eye. Letting go is the greatest challenge of my life and a battle I will fight each and every day.

In an effort to maintain my perspective, I've begun writing a journal to each of my monsters. First, I wrote out their birth story for them to hear from my perspective. Every day I try to write down one thing I love about them and one funny/happy thing that happened that day. So far, it's helping but we'll see if I remember to keep writing.

I've never been much good at journaling and my blogging habits are sporadic at best. I'll keep trying, each day to do better than I did yesterday.

So that where I'm at right now.