Potential

Each of us has potential inside of us, some for good and some for bad. We all also have who we inherently are if we don't strive for any change whether for good or bad.

Tonight, I saw a glimmer of who I will become if I stop striving to do and be "better." It wasn't pretty; in fact, it was entirely frightening. It was as if I was staring directly into the face of what I fear the most: becoming my father. The anger and aggression in my words were staggering to hear coming out of my mouth. Husband and my little brother were taken aback and stunned at the striking resemblance I had to the person I try so hard to separate myself from. Of two things I'm grateful. First, that none of this was directed at my little monsters. And second, both my darling husband and my brother were very quick to call me out on my shit.

Driving home, Husband and I had a good talk and I had many tears.

I was reminded that the part of who I am that was inherently good at my beginning, was damaged, quite possibly irrevocably broken, long ago, well before I could be accountable for determining right from wrong.
From very early in my life, I knew I was completely alone in my choices and that no one would save me even though I so desperately needed saving. I grew up in an environment that never allowed me to feel safe in my own home until the day I married my Husband.

I do NOT want to be that cause of fear in the lives of my little monsters. I do not want to foster the kind of resentment in my marriage or other relationships that I witnessed growing up.

So what do I do now in the face of my greatest fear becoming a reality?? After I dry my tears and apologize to two of the most important men in my life, what do I do next?

First, I think these fears and tears need a moment of validation. Next, the apologies and a good night's sleep.

And then, the work.

I doubt I'll ever be able to fully repair the part of me that used to be inherently good. . . What I can do is work hard every. single. day. to create muscle memory that always leads me to the good.

In these moments, it's hard for me to not think about what could have been if someone had been there to protect me or if I'd had a different man for my father, one who was kind, patient, and loving, someone like my father in law or any of my brothers in law, someone like my husband. But some day I've got to figure out how to give up all those what ifs.

Sadly, I'm not there yet. I'm still in it. I'm still doing the work. All I can do is TRY. Every day. For the rest of my life.

I know that in the Eternities, all these wounds of mine will be healed. My pain will be taken from me. Sometimes I wish I could be there in that paradise sooner. But then I remember that every day is a gift. No matter how much pain I feel, I can make a better life for my monsters than the one I had and pray that they will give their own little monsters a better life too. Little by little, I'm putting the pieces together.

Without my Husband or the gospel, I'd be the face in the mirror that causes nightmares.

Tonight I pray and tomorrow I go to work. Thank Heaven for Eternal Perspective.


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