perspective

We each are dealt a specific hand in life and the challenges are unique and specific to us.

Each of us have some trial and/or difficultly we're currently facing and how it feels is also unique.  No two brains, hearts, or spirits FEEL the same way. So, what seems like no big deal to me, may feel overwhelming and earth shattering to you.

This is why it makes me sad when people say to one another, "this is supposed to be the best time," or "well if you don't like it now, it's all just downhill from here." Comments like these can make some feel like a failure.

I have to amazing, GREAT, little monsters who call me mom. However, one is incredibly high needs with a very specific set of challenges that we're still trying to learn how to navigate. The other is a sensitive and emotional child who also has many needs. Neither of these things are "bad" but they are difficult, exhausting, and at times very stressful.  This does not mean that I love my children any less than the next mother or that I wouldn't take a bullet and walk through the depths of hell to protect and fight for my monsters. What it means, is that I get tired, emotionally and physically, I get frazzled, and I need lots of love and support.

This week, my husband is gone on a cushy business trip to an exciting destination. Unfortunately, this leaves me feeling rather alone.

Each day, I am solely responsible for the children from the moment they wake.  I count the minutes until 5 pm comes and I can have a few precious minutes of reprieve before diving into dinner and bedtime routines. But this week, there will be no reprieve, no knight in shining armour to swoop in just in the nick of time to distract the children while Momma puts her feet up and downs a tall glass of ice water. It seems daunting to face this week feeling entirely alone in the world.

I've never made light of my struggles with post partum depression but I don't consider myself a negative Nancy either.

So it hurts my heart a bit when people suggest that if I just had a better attitude about the coming days, it would all be easier.

When someone tells me that I should be savoring every moment because some day I'll miss the tantrums, I feel incredibly judged and like I'm doing something wrong.

I will miss the quiet moments with my daughter nestled at my breast. I will miss the rare times of stillness as I read a book or two to my son while he sits in my lap.  I will miss the yummy smell that is so unique to small children.  I'll miss the stumbley toddler steps and the adorable way they struggle to make their words sound like mine. I'll probably even miss the way they NEED me every moment of every day.

But I highly doubt I will miss the years of sleepless nights, the screaming fits complete with hitting and biting, and I feel certain that I will not miss repeatedly saying "DO NOT hit/kick/knock over your sister," or "Please keep your hands to yourself!" I am certain I will not miss poopy diapers and especially not miss poop in the tub.

You see, I think it's all about perspective. We perceive our way to be right and our advice needed. We perceive our lot in life to be the most difficult. And so we pass judgement and, whether intentionally or not, toss out biting remarks.

As I look around, in the quiet night, while my children are peacefully tucked in their beds, I realize that there is no comparison, both no need for one and no ability to accurately do so.
We each carry our own individual burden and some of us do so at greater cost than others but the cost and weight can not be compared. I try to find the good in each day and strive to do my best with my children. So believe me when I say that I'm doing the very best I can. Some days that's more and some days it's less but it's the best I can do today and I can not give more.

The Battle

I may have mentioned this a time or two before, but I've got an incredibly strong willed 2yr old, even for a 2 yr old he's strong-willed.

Naps recently ended, which is more than a little heart breaking for me; Momma needs her afternoon nap.

Last night, we struggled several times with our TD Monster for sleep, but each time sleep won out.

This morning, he awoke not only exhausted, but also barking. Oh, the curse of the barking cough! How we loath it!

There were water works and tantrums from the very moment the sun rose... the toddler Monster cried some too.

And thus began

The Battle of the Cranky Croup Monster.

It was hard fought; both sides were fearless and at times teary-eyed. Occasionally the Snot-Nosed Princess joined the ranks, but alas, she has been known to change sides as the tides turn.

The volley was endless and the destruction was great. Oatmeal on the floor; crackers in the hair. Time outs were had, calm down corners aplenty. Toys littered the playroom. er.... Battlefield! Momma's wits were coming to an end. SOS texts were sent to Husband and loved ones but no help arrived.

Books were read and thrown; Bribes offered and denied. And the Children's Benadryl was no-where to be found.

The Snot-Nosed Princess was sequestered. The Pooch was banished to the yard. Momma downed some liquid courage in the form of Diet Mountain Dew. Slowly the Battle moved down to the hall and into the Cranky Croup Monster's Lair.

Woefully the Battle did not wain and Momma was discouraged. There was wrestling and retreating as the Battle escalated to its peak. Momma began to think all lost and prepared to concede defeat. But then, she caught just the smallest glimmer of hope. Could it be?!? Could a triumphant end truly be in sight? She daren't anticipate an easy finish for there was much fight left in the Monster still, but with a sliver of hope, Momma mustered all shreds of strength from every corner of her being.

As the final struggle played out, Momma watched triumphantly as the beast slipped off into a peaceful spring slumber.

And so The Battle of the Cranky Croup Monster, hard fought by all, was won and Momma wistfully closed the door on the resting Monster to sneak off for a sandwich and a nap.

Made By Me Monday

I found an adorable pattern for a bubble romper on Etsy and made it for my Princess to wear in her Valentine Mini session with Jax of Jacquilyn Avery Photography  She does fantastic work and you should follow her on facebook. :)

Here's the result (it's pretty amazing if you ask me!):

You see, I like to knock things out in one quick sitting and frequently cut corners... and procrastinate.  With this one, I probably should have paid a bit more attention to detail. In any case, it came out alright and photographed well. :)

 

I made TD a pocket square out of left over ruffle material from Princess's romper so they matched! He's at the age where asking for a picture is difficult at best, so I'm truly amazed Jax was able to come up with anything let alone four great pics. Here's two.  

 

Happy Valentine's Day from the Domesticated Monsters

 

rough start

2013 is off to a rough start for us.

We've lost a couple of really awesome Uncles. Both had been ill and in pain for some time so there is peace in their passing, the pain is removed. There's also pain. We who are left behind feel pain for the time we must go on without them. It seems long for us but for them, in a beautiful place with our Savior, it is but short.

The last 5 or 6 weeks everyone has been sick at least one but most 2 or more times. I haven't slept more than 3 hours at once since mid December and I literally can't remember the last time I slept 6 straight hours aside from the 2 nights we spent sans niños in Vegas earlier this month. My kids sleep even worse when we're away from home as we have been for funerals.

Being a mom is really tough. Being a sleep deprived mom who suffers from postpartum depression is even tougher. I've not been shy about my struggles but I've not come right out about some of my feelings toward my children.

I love and adore my children, but sometimes I don't LIKE them very much. I have moments of what I like to call "momma rage." Some days they try me to my wits' end and destroy whatever shred of patience I may have once had. I start to feel like I'm not cut out for this job, the most important job I'll ever hold, with the most lasting, eternal consequences.

My fears get the better of me. What if I end up utterly destroying my children the way that my childhood destroyed me? What if I give them cause to question their value and self worth and leave unable to trust in virtually every relationship they have for the rest of their lives? It's easy for me to lay blame for perceived shortcoming on my father and my upbringing. It's easy for me allow the fear to take over.

But, as wise men say, where fear resides faith cannot exist. How can I have faith in the plan for me and my own abilities and strengths if I allow fear to over shadow and over power my life?

I need to have faith in my Heavenly Father. I need to have faith in MYSELF and in my eternal companion. Some how I have to try each moment of every day to let go of those things that have left deep scars invisible to the eye. Letting go is the greatest challenge of my life and a battle I will fight each and every day.

In an effort to maintain my perspective, I've begun writing a journal to each of my monsters. First, I wrote out their birth story for them to hear from my perspective. Every day I try to write down one thing I love about them and one funny/happy thing that happened that day. So far, it's helping but we'll see if I remember to keep writing.

I've never been much good at journaling and my blogging habits are sporadic at best. I'll keep trying, each day to do better than I did yesterday.

So that where I'm at right now.

Hump day!

Happy Hump day Loves!

Counting today, just TWO more days until a FIVE DAY WEEKEND with my husband! WOO HOO!

In other news, I'm cleaning with my favorite fume, chemical, danger FREE cleaners today.

Just sprinkle some baking soda, spritz with vinegar that has Lemon, lavender, and OnGuard in it. Wait 2-5 minutes, gently scrape any stuck on yuckies with a putty knife, wipe with damp rag, dry and DONE!

Also, FINALLY updating the family command center, something I've really been meaning to do for a super long time. Get excited. More on this to come.

xoxo!

Happiness is a Mood

Another lovely nugget from my favorite series...

So the gorgeous girl looses essentially everything she feels is her identity. And obviously she's feeling a little lost. So her boyfriend tells her

"people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination."

 

 

A lot of us live our lives thinking that they'll be happy "when." The new job. The new car. The new house. Make more money. Take this great vacation.

 

But really happiness is a MOOD. It's about the here and now. I know well the feelings of "I'll be happy when.." It used to be when we bought a house because I'd grown to hate our condo even though I loved our ward and the people we lived near.

 

But then, we got the house. And just five days later, I broke my shoulder. It was a devastating injury, excruciatingly painful, and forever changed our path. It changed my job security, because people don't wait FIVE MONTHS for their favorite waxer or hairstylist. It changed our financial security, both our plans and our current state. It made us dependent on outside help from our friends and family in a way we never had been before.

 

Frequently I still catch myself saying things like, "well we were going to, but then I broke my shoulder," or "we had that planned, but then I broke my shoulder."

 

I am currently, and have been for more than a year, living in the "I'll be happy when...." state of being and I'm realizing that I've also been quick to lay blame for things that were truly out of anyone's control. Maybe I've been focusing too much on the "when" and not enough on the "now."

 

Maybe, happiness really is a mood. It's something we have to decide to be and work for each moment of every day. And maybe gratefulness and happiness are slightly interchangeable. Maybe being appreciative of the things in front of us helps us see the happiness we have NOW.

 

Today I'm so grateful for my wonderful husband, the strength and support he is to me. I'm thankful he is a worthy priesthood holder who can bless our family daily. I'm so grateful that he has a job and is on a career path when so many do not have those things.

I'm thankful for two healthy, vibrant children.

I am grateful for the blessings of the gospel and the temple, for my eternal marriage, our prophet, the scriptures, and modern day revelation.

I'm thankful for a roof that doesn't leak, for a car that runs, for our amazing friends who show up in our darkest hours, and for our family and all that they are and do.

 

Today, I choose to be happy. But please, someone remind me at nap time, I'll probably forget. :)

blindness

I've been a little blind lately. And I don't me metaphorically.

So I have this little defect with my left eye that has been worsening each year since my childhood. It doesn't close all the way, which is fun cuz it really creeps people out from time to time, and it droops a bit and gives me away any time I'm tired or have a migraine or whatever. But really it's no big deal; I just use some oil based drops before bed.

But sometimes I bug Husband because I wake up in the night in pain with a scratch. Whatever, lots of drops for a couple of days. All better.

Did I mention the chronically dry eyes? Oh yea, I have those too.

So Wednesday I attended a beautiful birth. Which is so wonderful and I absolutely love being apart of such a special day for families. Except I get REALLY tired. Not as tired as the new momma and daddy of course, but still very tired. After a long day away, I had dinner with my lovelies, I put the Princess to bed, showered, and snuggled up with Husband on the couch for a few minutes. And then I went to bed. At 7:45pm. Lame, I know. Don't judge.

So around 3ish in the morning, I wake up with some serious eye pain. Husband does the usual check, "are you alright?"
"No, I scratched my eye"
"get some drops."
"will do. Love you husband. Go back to sleep."

So as prescribed ;) I get my eye drops and go a little heavy. Then wait ten minutes and add some more before returning to bed.

I get up to realize that it's not the eye that normally gets injured. Hmm... whatever. Continue regimen

By Saturday I'm in excruciating pain and realize this is bad. I can barely see, ice pick style headache, my face is swelling up. AWESOME.

After 3 days of a happy percocet comma and the crappy ER doc eye drops I head into the eye doc. Yup, my vision has reduced to 20/50 and lots of fogginess. So that's just great.
Can't drive. Wonderful.
Now I've got this icky bandage lense on for 7 days and my eye is dilated for 3-5 days so that it will quit straining to focus. Which is all well and good except that means I have to cover the culprit eye to be able to read. Or type. Or facebook.

Being blind (all or partially) SUCKS.

End of whining and complaining.

In other news, the chickens have decided they prefer roosting in the citrus trees instead of their coop. Hope no cats catch them in the night.

Oh, and that reminds me... I'm not going to have any citrus survive to ripeness (is that a word?) if my little Monster TD doesn't quit picking it to use as balls to play fetch with Betsy or "bowling for chickens." Bowling for chickens is kind funny to watch...

The End.