Self discovery and the sauce.

The past few weeks, as I've been back to work, I've learned a lot about myself.

For the first time in my life, I'm realizing who **I** am. Me! Not me as wife, not mother, not cosmetologist or doula or lactation counselor. Just ME.

It's surprisingly interesting.

I'm more sarcastic and direct than I remembered and I laugh more than I have in a loooong time.

Through this process, I've realized just how much I eat my feelings. So my first goal is to get in front of that.

I'm planning to do a 21 day sugar detox in July but before I can do that, Momma's gotta go off the sauce. Diet Dew that is.

So I've got one Diet Dew left in the fridge and when it's gone, I'm all done. . .

I imagine I'm going to be kinda stabby over the next week. You've been warned.

xoxo,
Sara

**Disclaimer: Anonymous comments will not be published. I'd love to hear from YOU not "Anonymous" :)

back to work

Well, I've decided to go back to work. I truly loved waxing and am excited to be doing that again.

But I do have some mixed feelings about it.

You see, since I was young, all I've ever wanted was to be a mother. And I was very passionate that I wanted to be able to be home with my children if possible. I was a latch key kid and we were mostly on our own for the bulk of the day light hours.

It's not that I believe there was anything wrong with that, but I did know that I wanted something different for me and my future family. So staying home was an easy choice to make when the opportunity arose.

Except, someone neglected to tell me that mothering was difficult. I have learned that I easily loose myself in mothering and in my responsibilities to my little monsters that I love so much. When you're unable to use the bathroom without an audience or take a shower without a clock running or a small one stripping off their diaper to join you, you begin to loose track of the things you used to love about yourself.

Today, a sweet woman asked me what I like to do for myself that no one else benefits from and I couldn't think of one single thing. It took me a solid minute to realize that the thing I wanted most was just to pee alone. Since I've only been back to work a few days, I've decided to let this pass and hope that as the days go by, I'll remember what makes me happy.

It saddens me to discover that I like my children best when I spend regular time away. I wanted to be the kind of woman who could be wholly devoted to my lovely little monsters and yet, I am not. This realization is giving me cause for much reflection. What does this mean for me? What does this say about me as a mother?

For now, I'm working regular hours waxing but as time goes, I hope I can devote more time to helping mothers through my doula and lactation practice.

gossip and goals

Last night, I had the pleasure of spending several hours with a dozen or two women who were complete strangers aside from one woman, who I absolutely adore, that was coordinating the event.

We were crafting.

It could have been so easy to not speak much with those around me or to judge and be critical of what they were wearing or making or any other number of things like what happens when a group of women get together any where. Be it work, social events, play groups, PTA meetings, Facebook mommy groups, or even church, women have a tendency to judge or talk smack.

It makes me sad.

Having been raised with only brothers who loved and protected me, I entered high school, and then corporate America, unprepared for these things. It was a rude awakening for my already damaged self image. Still, I managed to find a friend or two who loved me for who I was.

It only worsened when I left the traditional work force to go to cosmetology school. THAT is a whole different breed of gossipmongering. And, unsurprisingly, the scandals escalated when I worked at a dept. store make up counter as a make up artist and wax specialist. Throw a few Queens into the mix of women and things just may become over the top and outrageous. ;)

I was relieved when I changed jobs; even though it was still an establishment filled entirely of women, my coworkers and I managed to make real and lasting friendships that were not based on meaningless prattle and gossip.

I was raised not to be a pot stirrer and that if we have an issue with someone, it's best to address them directly. More now than ever, I strive to live by that. And so, it was so refreshing and wonderful to spend an evening with women who wanted to strike up friendly, judgement free, conversation with those who sat next to them. There was none of the typical cattiness that comes with a gathering of women, only compliments, laughter, crafts, and the camaraderie of extraordinary women.

I left the event with several new friends and a greater appreciation for the divine sisterhood of women. When we choose to leave the gossip and drama out, amazing and beautiful things happen. I have a profound love for the women I spent the evening with even though I've already forgotten many of their names. It IS possible to have a great time with strangers and make friends in unexpected places.

So that's my goal for the month of May:

           I will strive to judge and gossip less.   

          I will try to make a new friend whenever possible.

    
What are YOUR goals for May??

perspective

We each are dealt a specific hand in life and the challenges are unique and specific to us.

Each of us have some trial and/or difficultly we're currently facing and how it feels is also unique.  No two brains, hearts, or spirits FEEL the same way. So, what seems like no big deal to me, may feel overwhelming and earth shattering to you.

This is why it makes me sad when people say to one another, "this is supposed to be the best time," or "well if you don't like it now, it's all just downhill from here." Comments like these can make some feel like a failure.

I have to amazing, GREAT, little monsters who call me mom. However, one is incredibly high needs with a very specific set of challenges that we're still trying to learn how to navigate. The other is a sensitive and emotional child who also has many needs. Neither of these things are "bad" but they are difficult, exhausting, and at times very stressful.  This does not mean that I love my children any less than the next mother or that I wouldn't take a bullet and walk through the depths of hell to protect and fight for my monsters. What it means, is that I get tired, emotionally and physically, I get frazzled, and I need lots of love and support.

This week, my husband is gone on a cushy business trip to an exciting destination. Unfortunately, this leaves me feeling rather alone.

Each day, I am solely responsible for the children from the moment they wake.  I count the minutes until 5 pm comes and I can have a few precious minutes of reprieve before diving into dinner and bedtime routines. But this week, there will be no reprieve, no knight in shining armour to swoop in just in the nick of time to distract the children while Momma puts her feet up and downs a tall glass of ice water. It seems daunting to face this week feeling entirely alone in the world.

I've never made light of my struggles with post partum depression but I don't consider myself a negative Nancy either.

So it hurts my heart a bit when people suggest that if I just had a better attitude about the coming days, it would all be easier.

When someone tells me that I should be savoring every moment because some day I'll miss the tantrums, I feel incredibly judged and like I'm doing something wrong.

I will miss the quiet moments with my daughter nestled at my breast. I will miss the rare times of stillness as I read a book or two to my son while he sits in my lap.  I will miss the yummy smell that is so unique to small children.  I'll miss the stumbley toddler steps and the adorable way they struggle to make their words sound like mine. I'll probably even miss the way they NEED me every moment of every day.

But I highly doubt I will miss the years of sleepless nights, the screaming fits complete with hitting and biting, and I feel certain that I will not miss repeatedly saying "DO NOT hit/kick/knock over your sister," or "Please keep your hands to yourself!" I am certain I will not miss poopy diapers and especially not miss poop in the tub.

You see, I think it's all about perspective. We perceive our way to be right and our advice needed. We perceive our lot in life to be the most difficult. And so we pass judgement and, whether intentionally or not, toss out biting remarks.

As I look around, in the quiet night, while my children are peacefully tucked in their beds, I realize that there is no comparison, both no need for one and no ability to accurately do so.
We each carry our own individual burden and some of us do so at greater cost than others but the cost and weight can not be compared. I try to find the good in each day and strive to do my best with my children. So believe me when I say that I'm doing the very best I can. Some days that's more and some days it's less but it's the best I can do today and I can not give more.

The Battle

I may have mentioned this a time or two before, but I've got an incredibly strong willed 2yr old, even for a 2 yr old he's strong-willed.

Naps recently ended, which is more than a little heart breaking for me; Momma needs her afternoon nap.

Last night, we struggled several times with our TD Monster for sleep, but each time sleep won out.

This morning, he awoke not only exhausted, but also barking. Oh, the curse of the barking cough! How we loath it!

There were water works and tantrums from the very moment the sun rose... the toddler Monster cried some too.

And thus began

The Battle of the Cranky Croup Monster.

It was hard fought; both sides were fearless and at times teary-eyed. Occasionally the Snot-Nosed Princess joined the ranks, but alas, she has been known to change sides as the tides turn.

The volley was endless and the destruction was great. Oatmeal on the floor; crackers in the hair. Time outs were had, calm down corners aplenty. Toys littered the playroom. er.... Battlefield! Momma's wits were coming to an end. SOS texts were sent to Husband and loved ones but no help arrived.

Books were read and thrown; Bribes offered and denied. And the Children's Benadryl was no-where to be found.

The Snot-Nosed Princess was sequestered. The Pooch was banished to the yard. Momma downed some liquid courage in the form of Diet Mountain Dew. Slowly the Battle moved down to the hall and into the Cranky Croup Monster's Lair.

Woefully the Battle did not wain and Momma was discouraged. There was wrestling and retreating as the Battle escalated to its peak. Momma began to think all lost and prepared to concede defeat. But then, she caught just the smallest glimmer of hope. Could it be?!? Could a triumphant end truly be in sight? She daren't anticipate an easy finish for there was much fight left in the Monster still, but with a sliver of hope, Momma mustered all shreds of strength from every corner of her being.

As the final struggle played out, Momma watched triumphantly as the beast slipped off into a peaceful spring slumber.

And so The Battle of the Cranky Croup Monster, hard fought by all, was won and Momma wistfully closed the door on the resting Monster to sneak off for a sandwich and a nap.

Made By Me Monday

I found an adorable pattern for a bubble romper on Etsy and made it for my Princess to wear in her Valentine Mini session with Jax of Jacquilyn Avery Photography  She does fantastic work and you should follow her on facebook. :)

Here's the result (it's pretty amazing if you ask me!):

You see, I like to knock things out in one quick sitting and frequently cut corners... and procrastinate.  With this one, I probably should have paid a bit more attention to detail. In any case, it came out alright and photographed well. :)

 

I made TD a pocket square out of left over ruffle material from Princess's romper so they matched! He's at the age where asking for a picture is difficult at best, so I'm truly amazed Jax was able to come up with anything let alone four great pics. Here's two.  

 

Happy Valentine's Day from the Domesticated Monsters

 

rough start

2013 is off to a rough start for us.

We've lost a couple of really awesome Uncles. Both had been ill and in pain for some time so there is peace in their passing, the pain is removed. There's also pain. We who are left behind feel pain for the time we must go on without them. It seems long for us but for them, in a beautiful place with our Savior, it is but short.

The last 5 or 6 weeks everyone has been sick at least one but most 2 or more times. I haven't slept more than 3 hours at once since mid December and I literally can't remember the last time I slept 6 straight hours aside from the 2 nights we spent sans niños in Vegas earlier this month. My kids sleep even worse when we're away from home as we have been for funerals.

Being a mom is really tough. Being a sleep deprived mom who suffers from postpartum depression is even tougher. I've not been shy about my struggles but I've not come right out about some of my feelings toward my children.

I love and adore my children, but sometimes I don't LIKE them very much. I have moments of what I like to call "momma rage." Some days they try me to my wits' end and destroy whatever shred of patience I may have once had. I start to feel like I'm not cut out for this job, the most important job I'll ever hold, with the most lasting, eternal consequences.

My fears get the better of me. What if I end up utterly destroying my children the way that my childhood destroyed me? What if I give them cause to question their value and self worth and leave unable to trust in virtually every relationship they have for the rest of their lives? It's easy for me to lay blame for perceived shortcoming on my father and my upbringing. It's easy for me allow the fear to take over.

But, as wise men say, where fear resides faith cannot exist. How can I have faith in the plan for me and my own abilities and strengths if I allow fear to over shadow and over power my life?

I need to have faith in my Heavenly Father. I need to have faith in MYSELF and in my eternal companion. Some how I have to try each moment of every day to let go of those things that have left deep scars invisible to the eye. Letting go is the greatest challenge of my life and a battle I will fight each and every day.

In an effort to maintain my perspective, I've begun writing a journal to each of my monsters. First, I wrote out their birth story for them to hear from my perspective. Every day I try to write down one thing I love about them and one funny/happy thing that happened that day. So far, it's helping but we'll see if I remember to keep writing.

I've never been much good at journaling and my blogging habits are sporadic at best. I'll keep trying, each day to do better than I did yesterday.

So that where I'm at right now.