and then tragedy struck

Friday, Sept 16, TD had his 15 month check and, of course, he's a monster like usual :) He's 25lbs (71%) and just under 35 inches (97%). No wonder our backs hurt after carrying him for too long!

So, we'd been in the new house about a week, and hubby has maintained his crazy routine of work, class/homework, working long into the night at our condo or on the new house, so we've decided that a quiet Saturday night at home was in order.

Hubby and his brother spent the day working on projects at our house. We had dinner and swam with my parents. My mom came home with us to get her eyebrows waxed. She had just left and hubby was working on TD's bedtime routine while I planned to feed and water the dog, get everything unpacked to cut hubby's hair, and pick a movie.
I stepped out on to the patio--which has crappy, pink, porcelain tub surround or back splash type tile on it-- and walk toward Betsy's dishes.

And then, it happened: I slipped. I slipped and fell face (and baby bump) first. I reached out for the house to catch myself with my left arm. Sadly, my arm found the house but my body continued to the ground, effectively hyperextending and breaking my shoulder. The snapping sound that occurs when bone breaks violently is nauseating and something I'll never forget.
Luckily, I'd left the back door open so hubby heard my screams because, between the tunnel vision, dizziness, extreme nausea, excruciating pain, and broken shoulder, I could not lift myself up off the ground.
Hubby came running with poor, naked bum TD (mid diaper change, of course) and both looked frightened.

My angel mother was less than a mile from our house and was able to come to our rescue and whisk me off to the ER where, apparently, falling while your pregnant and having no color in your skin because you're about to pass out means you get to cut to the front of the line.

Some incredibly painful x-rays later,
I got some much needed pain meds and was transferred to OB triage to be monitored for FOUR HOURS. Baby girl had been moving and kicking just fine but I was having some contractions so we had to hang out until they were sure.
Sadly, the recovery time for my type of fracture is 6-10 weeks meaning I'm effectively useless to my family and can't work. Let's not forget that my baby girl is due just 8 weeks from when I fell. It's really not reassuring to have people keep saying "*hopefully* you'll healing quickly enough to be able to hold your baby" with a nice cheesy grin like some how that should make every thing better.
I'm unable to dress or shower myself without help and wearing much other than stretchy yoga pants and dresses is now out of the question as there's no way I could pull jeans up by myself.
I cannot lift or rock TD. I can't drive.
It's incredibly amazing to me how exhausting and appetite suppressing PAIN is. I feel like I can hardly function as a person.

I'm not good at a lot of things. I've been comfortable with that fact for some time. I am comfortable being good at a few things:
I'm a good mom and wife.
I'm a good waxer and hair dresser.
I'm good at taking care of myself and looking put together.
But now, I'm not capable of doing any of these things. So what's left? Who am I when all the things I've been identifying myself as are stripped away?

That's an extremely difficult question to answer and I'm definitely feeling lost and alone even though I have so many wonderful people supporting me through this most difficult time.
In all my pain, exhaustion, and feelings of loss, I've become cranky and irritable. We all knew I was bitchy before but now its worse and on a whole new level.  So, in addition to being a burden to all those who care about me as I now need a baby sitter and can't be alone with my own child, I'm also no fun to be around.

What do I do now? How do I find myself again?
Clearly I'm supposed to learn something through this pregnancy as this is my third substantial trial, first the nausea and zofran pump, then the broken foot, and now a broken shoulder. Am I supposed to learn how to ask for help and how to allow people to serve me? Am I supposed to learn who I am without any labels? Or am I supposed to learn to quit apologizing and assuming that people are judging me so that I can be better at just being me?
I believe that Heavenly Father places trials before us for our good and our growth but I'm really struggling to see what I'm to learn here.
And I'm struggling with the weight of how my injury affects those around me. Hubby has been late to work to chauffeur me to appointments and pick up misc things I need. My mom has left work early numerous times and passed on other responsibilities to be there for us, not to mention being with me at the hospital until 3AM the night of my fall knowing she had an early meeting the next day. My mother in-law cleared her calendar for a month and left her home to come stay with us and be TD and my caregiver.




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