it could have been different

First an injury update: still SO sore and in my sling, imobilized. And sadly, still swollen too much to put my wedding ring back on. Glad my Momma told me to take it off while we were sitting in the ER triage, otherwise we would have probably had to have it cut off my now chubby little finger.
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I've been doing a lot of griping lately.  And I feel like that's ok because I'm really struggling on many levels and emotions bottled up for too long end up rotten, right?
So here's a little more before I get on to something better:

There's this person in my life who has always, always made me feel inadequate, insecure, alone, and sad. (Let's call this person a him for simplicity's sake.) The sad is for him because I imagine he feels these things too along with maybe some depression, anger, and regret. I am also sad because things could have been, and definitely should have been, different.

Recently, I've come to the place where I feel like I've forgiven this person as much as I'm capable of in this life. And, all that's left is sadness for what could be if he would just try a little because I try a lot. I guess I can happily say that we have the best relationship HE is capable of... He has had his own set of trials of late but refuses to talk to anyone about them, even someone like me who is in a similar situation and really can understand what he's going through. Instead, he's grumpy and angry all the time.

Tonight, I needed help. Ya know, because I have a broken shoulder and am not allowed to use my left arm AT ALL which makes being 8 months pregnant, dizzy, light-headed, and off balance all the more fun. So, I called from another room, to a third person, that I needed help. I did not ask HIM for help; I did not even address him and I made it clear that my need was not emergent and that I could wait. Apparently, my needing help from this third person was extremely upsetting and inconvenient for HIM.

I'm not sure what upsets me more, that he seems to be bothered not to be the only one needing to be catered to right now or that for some reason I thought he, of all people, would understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. Maybe... maybe I'm upset with myself for not realizing that things will never be different.

Now to the part where I try to do better:

We know a family who's sweet 2yr old girl (the youngest of 5) has stage 4 neuroblastoma and has been battling this cancer and EXTREMELY painful and difficult treatments since January. They have a blog that they use to keep us (all of their supporters) updated on her progress.
This week, she has been enduring a particularly painful treatment.
I found her father's words incredibly inspiring and uplifting even in the midst of terrible adversity and trial.

This is extremely difficult to be a part of. I very much appreciate the doctors, nurses and facilities here who work hard at helping Abigail... I think they do a great job. Despite their noble effort to minimize discomfort, the intense pain caused by this treatment tugs at the heart of any normal parent. . .

To watch your baby look up with innocent eyes and ask (without words), "Daddy, why are you letting this happen to me again?" hurts. To make it harder, Abigail does so submissively, not defiantly. Each time we pull out a shot (every day) that hurts not only as it enters the skin, but especially as the medication is injected, she squirms in anguish but also in confusion as to why her Mommy and Daddy force this upon her.

We can only say, "We do so because we love you and because it will be good for your future." (Again, without many words, but more through our eyes, body language and spirit-to-spirit.)

With the administration of 3F8, the above experience is 10-fold. The pain for her is horrible... but watching Abigail submit to it without understanding but without holding resentment towards us is humbling. Instead of being angry at her parents for either letting the painful experience occur or for not fully explaining the experience to her, Abigail seems to draw closer to us for comfort, strength and love.

How I wish I could be more like my daughter! How often have I resented, sulked or angered over difficult experiences in life either because they hurt, or because I still don't understand their purpose? If I would choose to be like my angel daughter, I would allow those experiences to draw closer to my Heavenly Father, Savior, wife, children and friends. I would choose to let those experiences make those relationships more comforting, strengthening and loving.

May we all learn from the Spirit of the Lord as we watch the examples of the children. They have a lot to teach us.

I think his words speak for themselves. If only I could learn to be more submissive to my Heavenly Father's will, to know that all trials are to teach and better me, and to draw closer to Him, my Savior, and those who love me for comfort, strength, and love. How different would my choices, my impact on those trying to care for me, and the lessons I learn be?



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