Little Miss

I was release to begin rehab on my shoulder just 4 weeks before my due date when I should have had 12 weeks but it would have to be good enough because Little Miss came early!

And here's all the gory details:

I started having contractions every 10 mins on Friday, Oct 28 in the evening. Of course, knowing better than getting my hopes up, we went to bed and went about our weekend plans. Saturday was Hub's company picinic and LOTS of walking. The contractions got closer for several hours and then settled back into the every 10 minute pattern. :((

Monday was Halloween. I went to therapy and did as much as a huge contracting momma with a messed up shoulder can. TD and I went to my parents' ward party and trunk or treat. At this point I was having contractions about every 5 minutes so I put our sitters on high alert. After we got home and settled into bed, the contractions fizzled out and back to every 8 minutes. SO disappointed!

Tuesday was better... that is if pain = better.
After dinner, my contractions had been about every 3-4 minutes for 3 hours so we decided to go in and get checked. I was dialated 3 cm and after an hour of walking in the beautiful Banner Gateway Maternity garden, the contractions had stalled back out to every 8 minutes and I had made no progress. Very sad and a little angry, we went home.

Wednesday and Thursday I had steady contractions every 8 minutes. UGH!

Thursday afternoon, we saw the OB. STILL only 3 cm.

Thursday night around 10, I got a sign that active labor was on its way: lost my plug and the contractions started getting stronger but not much closer together. I went to bed hoping to be woke up in the night ready to have a baby!

Friday morning, I got up and went to my last scheduled PT appointment. When I arrived, my contractions were every 6 minutes and strong. As I went through my exercises and manipulation, they got stronger and up to every 3 minutes. I drove myself home, went for a long walk with TD and hubby, showered and napped. Sadly, they were back to every 8 minutes. I was beginning to feel like she was NEVER going to leave my body! So, I send hubby to work and went about my day. I did laudry and dishes and played with TD on the floor a lot so I could squat.

By 4, I was having a hard time breathing through my contractions so I called TD's Mamacita (my wonderful mother) to come help with his dinner and all that jazz. She brought dinner and fed us both. She did the dishes, helped me put away laundry and rubbed my back.

At 5:30, I knew it was time for hubby to come home because I was feeling the need for pain meds!

We arrived at triage around 6:45pm sure I'd made some progress for all the hard work I'd been doing over the last 20 hours. I wanted to stab someone when the said I was STILL only 3 cm! The triage nurse kindly informed me that I had 1 hour to make some progess or I'd be going home regardless of my pain level.

After 45 minutes, she came in to check me because my contractions were showing long and clusters on her monitor. Thankfully I was at 6.5 cm in just that short time! We were going to have a baby very soon!! Oh, and PLEASE get the epidural ready!!

Unfortunately, there was no bed available for me for about 30 minutes but thankfully Christina, my labor and delivery nurse had paged the nurse anesthetist and he was waiting for me!

At nearly 10pm, Christina checked me and I had made NO progress. And, Little Miss was not only facing the wrong way, but not dropping down into position. .... As if this princess hadn't put me through enough already. Awesome. At least with the epidural in, I could rest.

Around 2am, Christina came into mess with my IV some more and I was barely 7 cm. My doc decided to start pitocin and I figured after 8 day of contractions and 26 hours of hard labor, it was probably a good call.  Due to my shoulder, I couldn't do a lot of the position changes that help babies turn over so we just had to hope for the best.

At 5:12 Christina came in to hang another dose of penicillin (I'm GBS positive) and was going to check me "in about 20 minutes" and as she stood there messing with the machine my water broke with a huge and audible gush. SOO much fluid, had to change my gown and all the bed linens. She checked me as soon as it broke and I was 9cm and fully effaced but Little Miss was STILL not engaged in the birth canal. :((
By the time we got all the linens changed (about 20 minutes) I was feeling ready to push. So, she checked me again and I was 10cm. She told the baby nurse to make sure they'd called my doc and she decided to have me do the "test push" ya know, where they decide how fast they think you're gonna go. After about 1 second of that she was practically screaming at me to stop pushing and telling them he'd better get there NOW.
We waited about 15 minutes and as he was walking in, I told him "I need to push RIGHT NOW. I can't not push any longer" He was gowning up so said to go ahead. I started to push as he turned to face me. He stuck out his hands, said, "ok WOW, you werent kidding" and literally caught her as she popped out.

Little Miss

11.5.11 6:08am

8lbs 2oz 21inches

Because she waited until the absolute last possible second to turn around and engage, she came out the a beautiful, perfectly round, unbruised head. And she is DELISH!

Apparently, I had a surprisingly large amount of fluid because EVERYONE commented on how much came out with her. I soaked the gown, all the bed linens, the floor, and the Doc enough he had to go change his scrubs before the next delivery! (HEHE, that's what he gets for making me wait for HIM instead of him being on our schedule!) I'm guessing that's why she seemed to not be affected at all when I fell on her 7 weeks ago. And we thought she was gonna be a lot bigger because of how my belly looked and felt but it turned out to be all the fluid.

It's funny because everyone keeps telling us how big she is but I feel like she's tiny because TD was a whole lbs heavier, 2.5 inches taller, and his head was 3 inches bigger too. Her's is only 11inches. I'm also very happy to report that after a bit of whinning and complaining on my part, they discharged us only 30 hours after delivery instead of the typical 48-72!

Little Miss has such a sweet disposition and is fitting into our little family perfectly! TD adores her... sometimes he loves her a little harder than she'd like! :)

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it could have been different

First an injury update: still SO sore and in my sling, imobilized. And sadly, still swollen too much to put my wedding ring back on. Glad my Momma told me to take it off while we were sitting in the ER triage, otherwise we would have probably had to have it cut off my now chubby little finger.
--------------------
I've been doing a lot of griping lately.  And I feel like that's ok because I'm really struggling on many levels and emotions bottled up for too long end up rotten, right?
So here's a little more before I get on to something better:

There's this person in my life who has always, always made me feel inadequate, insecure, alone, and sad. (Let's call this person a him for simplicity's sake.) The sad is for him because I imagine he feels these things too along with maybe some depression, anger, and regret. I am also sad because things could have been, and definitely should have been, different.

Recently, I've come to the place where I feel like I've forgiven this person as much as I'm capable of in this life. And, all that's left is sadness for what could be if he would just try a little because I try a lot. I guess I can happily say that we have the best relationship HE is capable of... He has had his own set of trials of late but refuses to talk to anyone about them, even someone like me who is in a similar situation and really can understand what he's going through. Instead, he's grumpy and angry all the time.

Tonight, I needed help. Ya know, because I have a broken shoulder and am not allowed to use my left arm AT ALL which makes being 8 months pregnant, dizzy, light-headed, and off balance all the more fun. So, I called from another room, to a third person, that I needed help. I did not ask HIM for help; I did not even address him and I made it clear that my need was not emergent and that I could wait. Apparently, my needing help from this third person was extremely upsetting and inconvenient for HIM.

I'm not sure what upsets me more, that he seems to be bothered not to be the only one needing to be catered to right now or that for some reason I thought he, of all people, would understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. Maybe... maybe I'm upset with myself for not realizing that things will never be different.

Now to the part where I try to do better:

We know a family who's sweet 2yr old girl (the youngest of 5) has stage 4 neuroblastoma and has been battling this cancer and EXTREMELY painful and difficult treatments since January. They have a blog that they use to keep us (all of their supporters) updated on her progress.
This week, she has been enduring a particularly painful treatment.
I found her father's words incredibly inspiring and uplifting even in the midst of terrible adversity and trial.

This is extremely difficult to be a part of. I very much appreciate the doctors, nurses and facilities here who work hard at helping Abigail... I think they do a great job. Despite their noble effort to minimize discomfort, the intense pain caused by this treatment tugs at the heart of any normal parent. . .

To watch your baby look up with innocent eyes and ask (without words), "Daddy, why are you letting this happen to me again?" hurts. To make it harder, Abigail does so submissively, not defiantly. Each time we pull out a shot (every day) that hurts not only as it enters the skin, but especially as the medication is injected, she squirms in anguish but also in confusion as to why her Mommy and Daddy force this upon her.

We can only say, "We do so because we love you and because it will be good for your future." (Again, without many words, but more through our eyes, body language and spirit-to-spirit.)

With the administration of 3F8, the above experience is 10-fold. The pain for her is horrible... but watching Abigail submit to it without understanding but without holding resentment towards us is humbling. Instead of being angry at her parents for either letting the painful experience occur or for not fully explaining the experience to her, Abigail seems to draw closer to us for comfort, strength and love.

How I wish I could be more like my daughter! How often have I resented, sulked or angered over difficult experiences in life either because they hurt, or because I still don't understand their purpose? If I would choose to be like my angel daughter, I would allow those experiences to draw closer to my Heavenly Father, Savior, wife, children and friends. I would choose to let those experiences make those relationships more comforting, strengthening and loving.

May we all learn from the Spirit of the Lord as we watch the examples of the children. They have a lot to teach us.

I think his words speak for themselves. If only I could learn to be more submissive to my Heavenly Father's will, to know that all trials are to teach and better me, and to draw closer to Him, my Savior, and those who love me for comfort, strength, and love. How different would my choices, my impact on those trying to care for me, and the lessons I learn be?



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and then tragedy struck

Friday, Sept 16, TD had his 15 month check and, of course, he's a monster like usual :) He's 25lbs (71%) and just under 35 inches (97%). No wonder our backs hurt after carrying him for too long!

So, we'd been in the new house about a week, and hubby has maintained his crazy routine of work, class/homework, working long into the night at our condo or on the new house, so we've decided that a quiet Saturday night at home was in order.

Hubby and his brother spent the day working on projects at our house. We had dinner and swam with my parents. My mom came home with us to get her eyebrows waxed. She had just left and hubby was working on TD's bedtime routine while I planned to feed and water the dog, get everything unpacked to cut hubby's hair, and pick a movie.
I stepped out on to the patio--which has crappy, pink, porcelain tub surround or back splash type tile on it-- and walk toward Betsy's dishes.

And then, it happened: I slipped. I slipped and fell face (and baby bump) first. I reached out for the house to catch myself with my left arm. Sadly, my arm found the house but my body continued to the ground, effectively hyperextending and breaking my shoulder. The snapping sound that occurs when bone breaks violently is nauseating and something I'll never forget.
Luckily, I'd left the back door open so hubby heard my screams because, between the tunnel vision, dizziness, extreme nausea, excruciating pain, and broken shoulder, I could not lift myself up off the ground.
Hubby came running with poor, naked bum TD (mid diaper change, of course) and both looked frightened.

My angel mother was less than a mile from our house and was able to come to our rescue and whisk me off to the ER where, apparently, falling while your pregnant and having no color in your skin because you're about to pass out means you get to cut to the front of the line.

Some incredibly painful x-rays later,
I got some much needed pain meds and was transferred to OB triage to be monitored for FOUR HOURS. Baby girl had been moving and kicking just fine but I was having some contractions so we had to hang out until they were sure.
Sadly, the recovery time for my type of fracture is 6-10 weeks meaning I'm effectively useless to my family and can't work. Let's not forget that my baby girl is due just 8 weeks from when I fell. It's really not reassuring to have people keep saying "*hopefully* you'll healing quickly enough to be able to hold your baby" with a nice cheesy grin like some how that should make every thing better.
I'm unable to dress or shower myself without help and wearing much other than stretchy yoga pants and dresses is now out of the question as there's no way I could pull jeans up by myself.
I cannot lift or rock TD. I can't drive.
It's incredibly amazing to me how exhausting and appetite suppressing PAIN is. I feel like I can hardly function as a person.

I'm not good at a lot of things. I've been comfortable with that fact for some time. I am comfortable being good at a few things:
I'm a good mom and wife.
I'm a good waxer and hair dresser.
I'm good at taking care of myself and looking put together.
But now, I'm not capable of doing any of these things. So what's left? Who am I when all the things I've been identifying myself as are stripped away?

That's an extremely difficult question to answer and I'm definitely feeling lost and alone even though I have so many wonderful people supporting me through this most difficult time.
In all my pain, exhaustion, and feelings of loss, I've become cranky and irritable. We all knew I was bitchy before but now its worse and on a whole new level.  So, in addition to being a burden to all those who care about me as I now need a baby sitter and can't be alone with my own child, I'm also no fun to be around.

What do I do now? How do I find myself again?
Clearly I'm supposed to learn something through this pregnancy as this is my third substantial trial, first the nausea and zofran pump, then the broken foot, and now a broken shoulder. Am I supposed to learn how to ask for help and how to allow people to serve me? Am I supposed to learn who I am without any labels? Or am I supposed to learn to quit apologizing and assuming that people are judging me so that I can be better at just being me?
I believe that Heavenly Father places trials before us for our good and our growth but I'm really struggling to see what I'm to learn here.
And I'm struggling with the weight of how my injury affects those around me. Hubby has been late to work to chauffeur me to appointments and pick up misc things I need. My mom has left work early numerous times and passed on other responsibilities to be there for us, not to mention being with me at the hospital until 3AM the night of my fall knowing she had an early meeting the next day. My mother in-law cleared her calendar for a month and left her home to come stay with us and be TD and my caregiver.




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summer madness

WHAT. A. SUMMER.

It's been a while so let's begin by filling in the gaps...

TD LOVED his first ever taste of real sugar! I caved and let him have his very own cupcake for his birthday! SO fun!

Shortly after his  birthday, TD came down with Croup. Who gets Croup when it's 110+* out? My kid. We had 2 sad, fussy, miserable weeks. Just in time to head to hubby's childhood home for the Fourth of July holiday, he recovered. But his sleeping habits hadn't yet and he does NOT sleep well in unfamiliar situations. The majority of nights away from home, TD ends up right between me and hubby. And that's ok, except for my growing belly and a queen sized bed. Regardless, we had a wonderful holiday with the family and in cooler weather.

The night of our return, the dreaded Haboob happened and between cousin germs from the holiday and all the dust that lingered from the dust storm, we ended up back in pedatric urgent care, this time with Bronciolitis. :(
Since this was our third respiritory illness in under 2 months, they recommended we do inhaled steroids with a nebulizer daily for 2-3 months as if he had asthma to try to help his apparently weakened respiritory system. As I'm sure you can imagine, he HATES his breathing treatments. Just to go 6-8 minutes, he needs a toy, his favorite Baby Einstein movie, and a treat afterwards. Good Times.

In early August, we went to beautiful Park City, UT for my family's reunion.

The weather  and scenery were AMAZING but TD's sleeping habits were not, of course. At home, he sleeps 8PM-7AM like a champ... Not so much in a vacation rental where he has to share a room with Momma and Dad. So, we slept in separate queen sized beds so that one of us could snuggle the boy. It was so fun to catch up with family we hadn't seen in years and for TD to meet his Momma's cousins and their kids. GREAT weekend!

We've been actively looking for a new, larger house since January. Finally, in March, we found a cute fixer we could love. Its a short sale so we put in an offer, laid down some earnest money, and waited. And waited. And waited.

The week before Memorial Day, we received and accepted the bank's counter offer. And then we resumed waiting. SIX WEEKS LATER, we finally received the contract! We were getting a house!
While hubby works full time and goes to school full time, we had to squeeze in walk-thrus, home inspections, roof inspections, FHA aprasials, and a few other things. Unforunately, the previous owners would never completely vacate during these times making the whole process awkward and uncomfortable. But we were assured several times they'd be out 5-10 days prior to close.
After a myriad of issues with paperwork and other things with our lender, a snag with the appraisal, and finally clearing everything, we were going to close! YAY! Except for one big hitch: they STILL had not moved out 5 days prior to close. We were repeatedly told they'd be out "the day after tomorrow" until "tomorrow" turned out to be the day before our closing. We refused to do the final walk thru or allow the loan to be recorded until they were completely out. Just after midnight on Thursday (closing day) they finally were out. But, they failed to leave the keys, the garage door openers, or clean their misc crap out of the back yard.
The purchase was recorded and we changed the locks. We had a house! Thank Heaven!! We were able to get the garage door openers and the yard cleaned with some strategic threats and immediately went to work demo-ing the 60's wood panelling, chair rails, wall paper, and built ins. Thanks to all of our amazing friends and family, we had the popcorn scraped off the ceilings, drywall patched, texture sprayed, and every room painted in no time. Not to mention of course, my fantastic husband who spent countless hours each night at the new house after long days of work, class, and homework; I'm not so sure the man slept more than about 4 hours a night for the 3 weeks we were working on the place before we moved in.
There's still work to be done, but we're in, and feeling at home. TD had a difficult couple of weeks transitioning, but he is now loving the house and especially the yard. Betsy the dog does not love the new place quite as much because now she can be banished all alone outside which makes her extremely unhappy after about 5 minutes. HAHA!

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Operation: Sticker Therapy

This Sweet girl and her family are in our ward. The post below is copied off of her mom's CarePages blog that they use to keep everyone updated on her care and progress.
Please help us bring happiness into her life and the lives of other children battling cancer!

Operation: Sticker Therapy!! Your mission: to help bring happiness and distraction to toddlers fighting cancer by mailing stickers, sticker books, or happy vibes!
Hi! This is Abigail the day before her 2nd birthday.

You can see her central line and her surgery scar. When she was 19 months old she was critically ill, and diagnosed with cancer--stage 4, high-risk Neuroblastoma. She has been through a lot--with a lot still yet to go through.
Abigail loves stickers and they offer distraction and entertainment during multiple hospital stays. When kids are fighting cancer, they go through a lot of yucky therapies: chemotherapy, radiation therapy, antibody therapy, etc. We decided to call this project Sticker Therapy...a therapy they could look forward to!!
Our goal with Operation: Sticker Therapy is to receive enough stickers to be able to put some packets together to share with other children we meet who are fighting for their lives. We encourage you to donate some stickers, and then know that you are blessing the lives of some precious children.
Please mail them to:
Operation: Sticker Therapy C/O Fans Across America Charitable Foundation
18521 E. Queen Creek Rd., Suite 105-187
Queen Creek, AZ 85142

Thank you for your kindness and generosity, and may it be returned unto you! If you would like to make a financial donation to Abigail, that would be greatly appreciated. You can do so by visiting this site: http://www.fansacrossamerica.com/assist_a_family/registry/families/families_in_need/abigail_goss_family.php or by including a check payable to "Abigail Goss Medical Trust Fund" with your stickers.

Thank you dearly!

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catching up...

SO much has happened recently! It's hard keep up blogging with how sick I've been, working, TD getting busier everyday, and then in the evenings when he's in bed Hubby has hours of homework to do so no computer time for Momma :(((

I am FINALLY off the pump and happily back on the oral Zofran but still take two other OTC nausea medications to help carry me through. YAY!!!

TD turned ONE this past Monday, the day after my 25th birthday!

We did his one year old pics with Jacquilyn Avery Photography last Saturday. He was quite stoic during his photoshoot, like he was trying to figure out what she was doing and what all her equipment was but I think they'll be some cute ones and I can't wait to see them!

We celebrated our birthdays on Tuesday and had our ultrasound to find out baby #2's gender that day also.
We had our US tech seal baby's gender in an envelope. We went to target, picked out two take home outfits, one boy and one girl. We took them to guest services and asked them to open the envelope, ring up the appropriate outfit, and wrap it up while we went and got a snack.  We came back to pick up our change and our plain white gift bag and waited until the end of the birthday party to open it.

TD had is very first hot dog and his very own birthday cupcake (his first was during his pictures) which he happily devoured! After we cleaned him up, it was time to open presents!!
Hubby and I opened our gender present first:

ITS A GIRL!

I knew it would be; I knew TD was a boy and I know this one is a girl. My intuition streak is 2 for 2! :)

Of course I'm already planning and decorating her room and bedding! AND, of course my favorite bedding, hubby doesn't love... We'll see who wins that battle :)
I may end up sewing custom bedding for our princess, IF I get that ambitious... And I've been shopping for wall paper, paint treatment ideas, etc already because only the best will do!

One thing I'm definitely nervous about is how to integrate new baby into TD's life given that he's too young to really explain it to. He's still just a baby himself; they'll barely be 17 months apart.
I pray I do it well and it doesn't upset him too much... And I'll take any advice I can get.



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Food for thought

I've been reading The Heart of the Matter by Emily Giffin (who I love!) and was struck by the following passage:

"... all women compare lives. We are aware of whose husband works more, who helps more around the house, who makes more money, who is having more sex. We compare our children, taking note of who is sleeping through the night, eating their vegetables, minding their manners, getting into the right schools We know who keeps the best house, throws the best parties, cooks the best meals, has the best tennis game. We know who among us is the smartest, has the fewest lines around her eyes, has the  best figure--whether naturally or artificially. We are aware of who works full-time, who stays at home with the kids, who manages to do it all and make it look easy, who shops and lunches while the nanny does it all. We digest it all and then discuss with our friends. Comparing and then confiding; it is what women do.
"The difference, I think, lies in why we do it. Are we doing it to gauge our own life and reassure ourselves that we fall within the realm of normal? Or are we being competitive, relishing others' shortcomings so that we can win, if only by default?"

I have never really thought of myself as a gossip, in actuality I strive to NOT gossip. But, as a woman who has (like most) struggled with my self esteem over the years, I must admit that I do take note of many of the things listed above about women I meet.

So, I wonder why we do it. Are we (me in particular) so self conscious that we are truly constantly comparing ourselves to other women and other mothers hoping that we fall somewhere above the middle, ideally at the top? And if we are really comparing ourselves, what has happened to each of us over our life span that has removed our ability to just be who we are and love that girl, including all of our short comings, however big or small? Are we comparing so that we may pass judgement on someone else's decisions and lifestyle choices?

Its interesting that one of my "beach reads" can be suddenly so thought provoking. But, I'm going to make an effort to quit comparing myself to other mommies and just be satisfied with the job I'm doing, the very best I can each day.


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