No one really gets it. And because no one really gets it, comments (which I tell myself come from a good place and are well-meaning) come across patronizing and belittling. Do not down play something you don’t truly understand.
I am sick. And not just, “oh, it’s just a little morning sickness. I’ll be fine in a minute.” This is constant, overwhelming and debilitating sickness worse than anything I ever experienced with TD, which was pretty severe.
This is “I’ve lost 17lbs in 4 weeks,” and “when I vomit it is violent, forceful and downright painful. It feels as though someone is ripping my insides out through my nose and mouth. Did I mention that I frequently projectile vomit out my nose in addition to what is coming out my mouth?” kind of gross, I know.
With my son, TD, I was sick for 25 weeks. Thankfully Zofran helped – a lot. And, I was able to resume a substantial part of my diet with its help, but not this baby. This one is trying to kill me -- slowly and painfully. Maybe it’s punishment for calling babies in-utero your own personal parasite. . . Oral Zofran tablets did nothing for this sickness. Thankfully, my doctor set me up with a wonderful home healthcare company and some great nurses. So, I spent 3 days on the couch with an IV and fluids flowing trying to rehydrate since water and I haven’t been friends for a while. I also got a Zofran pump.
A Zofran pump is very similar to an insulin pump in that it infuses medicine at a specified rate constantly through a port somewhere on your body, typically the stomach region. This means I have to stab myself in the stomach with a needle just over an inch long at least every other day and I can never be without my pump or the tubing that goes from it to my infusion site.
My doctor is pretty awesome so he started me at the highest recommended base dose for pregnant women. Unfortunately, I still got sick. So after a couple of days, they consulted the pharmacist and raised it. Even more unfortunate, my skin doesn’t really like Zofran so at some point it gets angry and quits fully absorbing leaving me with a hard, red, swollen, sore, and extremely tender welt much bigger than the port itself. Because of this, I have to change site TWICE A DAY. LOVELY! I am now stabbing myself in the stomach twice a day and it really freaking hurts. I can’t put a new site within an inch of the welt left behind by a previous site – did I mention they stay red, swollen, and sore for 7-10 days? At this point (day 12 with the pump) I’m running out of approved places to stab myself and don’t really see my thighs as a viable option for myself… My entire stomach is swollen and tender. Holding TD is painful. Bending and going from standing to sitting or sitting to standing are painful.
After a couple of days at this new higher dose, I’m still dropping about a pound a day (sometimes 4) and still throwing up but I’m at the maximum recommended dose of Zofran for pregnant women. My nurse (whom I speak to daily) has to call the pharmacist who has to consult with my doctor and come up with a new plan. They decide to add a new oral medication because I clearly cannot tolerate a higher dose of Zofran without having to change my infusion site more frequently and three times a day sounds even less fun to me than twice a day.
Here we run into another problem. I’m already exhausted from being malnourished (I honestly can’t remember my last real meal) and of course from being pregnant – which is the cause of all of this – and the new medication is highly likely to knock me out. Great, just GREAT. It works really well at conquering my nausea but wipes me out and I can’t drive or work or take care of TD, my 25 lbs., active 11 month old. So, we’ll try a half dose. Not so tired but not so effective. At this point, I’ll take what I can get.
So I’m feeling a teensy bit better so I decide to try a little mild pasta. Bad choice. VERY bad choice. And, I’m throwing up again.
You’re probably wondering what I can eat. I’ll make you a list, its short.
Bagel, toast (no butter on either, Sad I know), apple slices, Yoplait strawberry yogurt, 1 scrambled egg (which is new and exciting this week), canned peach slices, ramen noodles, saltine crackers, peanut butter but only a teeny bit, sometimes fresh pineapple, and depending on the nausea level, a tsp. of pinto beans. Oh, and ice or Powerade ice.
I’m sure you’re all thinking that I’m 13+ weeks so it should be over soon or that if I can keep it down even 30 minutes that I’ve probably gotten some nutrition out of it or any other variation or sentiment that you think is helpful but none of it feels helpful and none of it feels supportive. It just feels patronizing.
Let's not forget that with TD I was sick for 25 weeks so I have no hopes of this being over soon.
My sweet husband gets it. He is watching me self-destruct in my sickness and sadness and pain over my sickness. He supports me by holding my hand and passing no judgment. He makes no suggestion that it’ll all be over soon, that I’m exaggerating, or that I should be better at handling it.
Maybe I should be better at handling it, but it’s really hard and it really hurts.
