Running used to be my solace. I was good at running. And, more importantly, I LOVED it. We were besties.
Fast forward a few years, a couple of kids, an injury or too, and I still love running. Only now, running doesn't love me so much anymore. Now, running is hard.
No matter how awful things seemed, when the world was crashing down around me, I could run. For miles and miles.
Now I have a new challenge: when my tank is on empty emotionally, running hurts. And oddly, running is now often tear inducing. But not just sprinkles, SOBS. It's rather difficult to run very far or very fast when you've been sobbing and as I'm currently training for my first half marathon, this is kind of a problem.
I still feel some relief when I'm finished but it seems to take a lot more energy to rid myself of the emotional baggage than it used to and I am rarely left feeling refreshed.
Maybe the problem is that these trials, although much different, feel similar in weight to those I was dealing with 8 and 9 years ago. The weight on my chest that makes it hard to take a deep breath is back. I think sometimes in life we sort of loose our footing. Our faith isn't lost, we know its there even if it's momentarily dimmed, its just that for whatever reason the ground feels a little shaky and unstable for a little while and the sky seems to be fading behind the shadows cast by our obstacles. We can't quite feel the full power of our faith within ourselves.
So, for a little while we lean on the faith of someone close to use. It's amazing the strength and support we can draw from the faith of another. What a tender mercy to have someone placed in our path to hold our hand and say "it's ok, we can run slow for a while." And, in some crucial moments, "Let's walk. As long as we get our miles in, its ok if it takes a while. The speed and strength will come as long as we keep putting one foot in front of the other"
I guess it's ok if I go slow for awhile and I'm sure soon enough I won't cry so much. I will probably never get back to where I used to be but that's ok because different can be good and, really, we should probably just be moving forward anyway. I can be better than I used to be.
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