I'm in Control

I've been on an incredible parenting journey the last year or so.

Together, Husband and I have been trying to learn and adapt ourselves to be more patient, non-aggressive, non-violent, peaceful parents. Empathy is sometimes a hard thing to teach if you struggle to be empathetic toward yourself.

I recently heard a quote I love:

                Empathy isn't taught. It’s caught.

So I’m trying hard to be more empathetic so our Monsters can catch it. Sometimes empathy starts with autonomy.  

As mothers, autonomy isn't something we typically excel at. We feel guilty locking the bathroom door while we poop or shower. We feel guilty wanting to grocery shop alone.  I cannot teach my Monsters to be strong and independent if I never allow myself the right of autonomy and self-governance. That means the guilt has to go away. It is perfectly acceptable to pee alone and shop for jeans without the family in-tow.

Guilt does not serve me. It doesn't put food on the table, buy groceries, fold laundry, keep me sane, or change diapers. Let the guilt go. **deep breaths**

As I’m learning to allow myself space, I’m noticing how empowered my Monsters are becoming in their own skin.

Monster Man REALLY likes to antagonize Princess Girl, just as most older brothers do their little sisters, especially in the car, but tonight on our drive home as he began to pick at her, she held her palm up to him. Calmly, and a little loudly, she said “Stop. My in control my body. My not listening.”

It only took a small prompting for her to remember that only she is in control of her body, just as he is the only one in control of his. They each have used this in their own defense. Monster Man even told a beloved relative that he could not have a hug because “only I control my body. I hug when I’m ready.”

How profound that at the ages of 2 and 3, they already have a grasp on something that took me nearly 27 years to just begin learn. Learning this has been HUGE for my Monsters. Unfortunately, it makes them even more head strong J but I know that no one will ever be able to push my kids around or force them into anything.  Ever.

I am so amazed every day at the strength of my wonderful Monsters who continually show me all the things I need to heal within myself. Heavenly Father knew exactly what we needed when He sent them to us and I thank Him every day.

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Potential

Each of us has potential inside of us, some for good and some for bad. We all also have who we inherently are if we don't strive for any change whether for good or bad.

Tonight, I saw a glimmer of who I will become if I stop striving to do and be "better." It wasn't pretty; in fact, it was entirely frightening. It was as if I was staring directly into the face of what I fear the most: becoming my father. The anger and aggression in my words were staggering to hear coming out of my mouth. Husband and my little brother were taken aback and stunned at the striking resemblance I had to the person I try so hard to separate myself from. Of two things I'm grateful. First, that none of this was directed at my little monsters. And second, both my darling husband and my brother were very quick to call me out on my shit.

Driving home, Husband and I had a good talk and I had many tears.

I was reminded that the part of who I am that was inherently good at my beginning, was damaged, quite possibly irrevocably broken, long ago, well before I could be accountable for determining right from wrong.
From very early in my life, I knew I was completely alone in my choices and that no one would save me even though I so desperately needed saving. I grew up in an environment that never allowed me to feel safe in my own home until the day I married my Husband.

I do NOT want to be that cause of fear in the lives of my little monsters. I do not want to foster the kind of resentment in my marriage or other relationships that I witnessed growing up.

So what do I do now in the face of my greatest fear becoming a reality?? After I dry my tears and apologize to two of the most important men in my life, what do I do next?

First, I think these fears and tears need a moment of validation. Next, the apologies and a good night's sleep.

And then, the work.

I doubt I'll ever be able to fully repair the part of me that used to be inherently good. . . What I can do is work hard every. single. day. to create muscle memory that always leads me to the good.

In these moments, it's hard for me to not think about what could have been if someone had been there to protect me or if I'd had a different man for my father, one who was kind, patient, and loving, someone like my father in law or any of my brothers in law, someone like my husband. But some day I've got to figure out how to give up all those what ifs.

Sadly, I'm not there yet. I'm still in it. I'm still doing the work. All I can do is TRY. Every day. For the rest of my life.

I know that in the Eternities, all these wounds of mine will be healed. My pain will be taken from me. Sometimes I wish I could be there in that paradise sooner. But then I remember that every day is a gift. No matter how much pain I feel, I can make a better life for my monsters than the one I had and pray that they will give their own little monsters a better life too. Little by little, I'm putting the pieces together.

Without my Husband or the gospel, I'd be the face in the mirror that causes nightmares.

Tonight I pray and tomorrow I go to work. Thank Heaven for Eternal Perspective.


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