it could have been different

First an injury update: still SO sore and in my sling, imobilized. And sadly, still swollen too much to put my wedding ring back on. Glad my Momma told me to take it off while we were sitting in the ER triage, otherwise we would have probably had to have it cut off my now chubby little finger.
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I've been doing a lot of griping lately.  And I feel like that's ok because I'm really struggling on many levels and emotions bottled up for too long end up rotten, right?
So here's a little more before I get on to something better:

There's this person in my life who has always, always made me feel inadequate, insecure, alone, and sad. (Let's call this person a him for simplicity's sake.) The sad is for him because I imagine he feels these things too along with maybe some depression, anger, and regret. I am also sad because things could have been, and definitely should have been, different.

Recently, I've come to the place where I feel like I've forgiven this person as much as I'm capable of in this life. And, all that's left is sadness for what could be if he would just try a little because I try a lot. I guess I can happily say that we have the best relationship HE is capable of... He has had his own set of trials of late but refuses to talk to anyone about them, even someone like me who is in a similar situation and really can understand what he's going through. Instead, he's grumpy and angry all the time.

Tonight, I needed help. Ya know, because I have a broken shoulder and am not allowed to use my left arm AT ALL which makes being 8 months pregnant, dizzy, light-headed, and off balance all the more fun. So, I called from another room, to a third person, that I needed help. I did not ask HIM for help; I did not even address him and I made it clear that my need was not emergent and that I could wait. Apparently, my needing help from this third person was extremely upsetting and inconvenient for HIM.

I'm not sure what upsets me more, that he seems to be bothered not to be the only one needing to be catered to right now or that for some reason I thought he, of all people, would understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. Maybe... maybe I'm upset with myself for not realizing that things will never be different.

Now to the part where I try to do better:

We know a family who's sweet 2yr old girl (the youngest of 5) has stage 4 neuroblastoma and has been battling this cancer and EXTREMELY painful and difficult treatments since January. They have a blog that they use to keep us (all of their supporters) updated on her progress.
This week, she has been enduring a particularly painful treatment.
I found her father's words incredibly inspiring and uplifting even in the midst of terrible adversity and trial.

This is extremely difficult to be a part of. I very much appreciate the doctors, nurses and facilities here who work hard at helping Abigail... I think they do a great job. Despite their noble effort to minimize discomfort, the intense pain caused by this treatment tugs at the heart of any normal parent. . .

To watch your baby look up with innocent eyes and ask (without words), "Daddy, why are you letting this happen to me again?" hurts. To make it harder, Abigail does so submissively, not defiantly. Each time we pull out a shot (every day) that hurts not only as it enters the skin, but especially as the medication is injected, she squirms in anguish but also in confusion as to why her Mommy and Daddy force this upon her.

We can only say, "We do so because we love you and because it will be good for your future." (Again, without many words, but more through our eyes, body language and spirit-to-spirit.)

With the administration of 3F8, the above experience is 10-fold. The pain for her is horrible... but watching Abigail submit to it without understanding but without holding resentment towards us is humbling. Instead of being angry at her parents for either letting the painful experience occur or for not fully explaining the experience to her, Abigail seems to draw closer to us for comfort, strength and love.

How I wish I could be more like my daughter! How often have I resented, sulked or angered over difficult experiences in life either because they hurt, or because I still don't understand their purpose? If I would choose to be like my angel daughter, I would allow those experiences to draw closer to my Heavenly Father, Savior, wife, children and friends. I would choose to let those experiences make those relationships more comforting, strengthening and loving.

May we all learn from the Spirit of the Lord as we watch the examples of the children. They have a lot to teach us.

I think his words speak for themselves. If only I could learn to be more submissive to my Heavenly Father's will, to know that all trials are to teach and better me, and to draw closer to Him, my Savior, and those who love me for comfort, strength, and love. How different would my choices, my impact on those trying to care for me, and the lessons I learn be?



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and then tragedy struck

Friday, Sept 16, TD had his 15 month check and, of course, he's a monster like usual :) He's 25lbs (71%) and just under 35 inches (97%). No wonder our backs hurt after carrying him for too long!

So, we'd been in the new house about a week, and hubby has maintained his crazy routine of work, class/homework, working long into the night at our condo or on the new house, so we've decided that a quiet Saturday night at home was in order.

Hubby and his brother spent the day working on projects at our house. We had dinner and swam with my parents. My mom came home with us to get her eyebrows waxed. She had just left and hubby was working on TD's bedtime routine while I planned to feed and water the dog, get everything unpacked to cut hubby's hair, and pick a movie.
I stepped out on to the patio--which has crappy, pink, porcelain tub surround or back splash type tile on it-- and walk toward Betsy's dishes.

And then, it happened: I slipped. I slipped and fell face (and baby bump) first. I reached out for the house to catch myself with my left arm. Sadly, my arm found the house but my body continued to the ground, effectively hyperextending and breaking my shoulder. The snapping sound that occurs when bone breaks violently is nauseating and something I'll never forget.
Luckily, I'd left the back door open so hubby heard my screams because, between the tunnel vision, dizziness, extreme nausea, excruciating pain, and broken shoulder, I could not lift myself up off the ground.
Hubby came running with poor, naked bum TD (mid diaper change, of course) and both looked frightened.

My angel mother was less than a mile from our house and was able to come to our rescue and whisk me off to the ER where, apparently, falling while your pregnant and having no color in your skin because you're about to pass out means you get to cut to the front of the line.

Some incredibly painful x-rays later,
I got some much needed pain meds and was transferred to OB triage to be monitored for FOUR HOURS. Baby girl had been moving and kicking just fine but I was having some contractions so we had to hang out until they were sure.
Sadly, the recovery time for my type of fracture is 6-10 weeks meaning I'm effectively useless to my family and can't work. Let's not forget that my baby girl is due just 8 weeks from when I fell. It's really not reassuring to have people keep saying "*hopefully* you'll healing quickly enough to be able to hold your baby" with a nice cheesy grin like some how that should make every thing better.
I'm unable to dress or shower myself without help and wearing much other than stretchy yoga pants and dresses is now out of the question as there's no way I could pull jeans up by myself.
I cannot lift or rock TD. I can't drive.
It's incredibly amazing to me how exhausting and appetite suppressing PAIN is. I feel like I can hardly function as a person.

I'm not good at a lot of things. I've been comfortable with that fact for some time. I am comfortable being good at a few things:
I'm a good mom and wife.
I'm a good waxer and hair dresser.
I'm good at taking care of myself and looking put together.
But now, I'm not capable of doing any of these things. So what's left? Who am I when all the things I've been identifying myself as are stripped away?

That's an extremely difficult question to answer and I'm definitely feeling lost and alone even though I have so many wonderful people supporting me through this most difficult time.
In all my pain, exhaustion, and feelings of loss, I've become cranky and irritable. We all knew I was bitchy before but now its worse and on a whole new level.  So, in addition to being a burden to all those who care about me as I now need a baby sitter and can't be alone with my own child, I'm also no fun to be around.

What do I do now? How do I find myself again?
Clearly I'm supposed to learn something through this pregnancy as this is my third substantial trial, first the nausea and zofran pump, then the broken foot, and now a broken shoulder. Am I supposed to learn how to ask for help and how to allow people to serve me? Am I supposed to learn who I am without any labels? Or am I supposed to learn to quit apologizing and assuming that people are judging me so that I can be better at just being me?
I believe that Heavenly Father places trials before us for our good and our growth but I'm really struggling to see what I'm to learn here.
And I'm struggling with the weight of how my injury affects those around me. Hubby has been late to work to chauffeur me to appointments and pick up misc things I need. My mom has left work early numerous times and passed on other responsibilities to be there for us, not to mention being with me at the hospital until 3AM the night of my fall knowing she had an early meeting the next day. My mother in-law cleared her calendar for a month and left her home to come stay with us and be TD and my caregiver.




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summer madness

WHAT. A. SUMMER.

It's been a while so let's begin by filling in the gaps...

TD LOVED his first ever taste of real sugar! I caved and let him have his very own cupcake for his birthday! SO fun!

Shortly after his  birthday, TD came down with Croup. Who gets Croup when it's 110+* out? My kid. We had 2 sad, fussy, miserable weeks. Just in time to head to hubby's childhood home for the Fourth of July holiday, he recovered. But his sleeping habits hadn't yet and he does NOT sleep well in unfamiliar situations. The majority of nights away from home, TD ends up right between me and hubby. And that's ok, except for my growing belly and a queen sized bed. Regardless, we had a wonderful holiday with the family and in cooler weather.

The night of our return, the dreaded Haboob happened and between cousin germs from the holiday and all the dust that lingered from the dust storm, we ended up back in pedatric urgent care, this time with Bronciolitis. :(
Since this was our third respiritory illness in under 2 months, they recommended we do inhaled steroids with a nebulizer daily for 2-3 months as if he had asthma to try to help his apparently weakened respiritory system. As I'm sure you can imagine, he HATES his breathing treatments. Just to go 6-8 minutes, he needs a toy, his favorite Baby Einstein movie, and a treat afterwards. Good Times.

In early August, we went to beautiful Park City, UT for my family's reunion.

The weather  and scenery were AMAZING but TD's sleeping habits were not, of course. At home, he sleeps 8PM-7AM like a champ... Not so much in a vacation rental where he has to share a room with Momma and Dad. So, we slept in separate queen sized beds so that one of us could snuggle the boy. It was so fun to catch up with family we hadn't seen in years and for TD to meet his Momma's cousins and their kids. GREAT weekend!

We've been actively looking for a new, larger house since January. Finally, in March, we found a cute fixer we could love. Its a short sale so we put in an offer, laid down some earnest money, and waited. And waited. And waited.

The week before Memorial Day, we received and accepted the bank's counter offer. And then we resumed waiting. SIX WEEKS LATER, we finally received the contract! We were getting a house!
While hubby works full time and goes to school full time, we had to squeeze in walk-thrus, home inspections, roof inspections, FHA aprasials, and a few other things. Unforunately, the previous owners would never completely vacate during these times making the whole process awkward and uncomfortable. But we were assured several times they'd be out 5-10 days prior to close.
After a myriad of issues with paperwork and other things with our lender, a snag with the appraisal, and finally clearing everything, we were going to close! YAY! Except for one big hitch: they STILL had not moved out 5 days prior to close. We were repeatedly told they'd be out "the day after tomorrow" until "tomorrow" turned out to be the day before our closing. We refused to do the final walk thru or allow the loan to be recorded until they were completely out. Just after midnight on Thursday (closing day) they finally were out. But, they failed to leave the keys, the garage door openers, or clean their misc crap out of the back yard.
The purchase was recorded and we changed the locks. We had a house! Thank Heaven!! We were able to get the garage door openers and the yard cleaned with some strategic threats and immediately went to work demo-ing the 60's wood panelling, chair rails, wall paper, and built ins. Thanks to all of our amazing friends and family, we had the popcorn scraped off the ceilings, drywall patched, texture sprayed, and every room painted in no time. Not to mention of course, my fantastic husband who spent countless hours each night at the new house after long days of work, class, and homework; I'm not so sure the man slept more than about 4 hours a night for the 3 weeks we were working on the place before we moved in.
There's still work to be done, but we're in, and feeling at home. TD had a difficult couple of weeks transitioning, but he is now loving the house and especially the yard. Betsy the dog does not love the new place quite as much because now she can be banished all alone outside which makes her extremely unhappy after about 5 minutes. HAHA!

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