Shift. And Pause.

Sometimes in life we go through things that change us; for better or worse, it tends to be permanent.
For most, it's the death of a loved one, cancer, lay offs that result in career shifts. Ya know, generally HUGE things. I never regarded pregnancy and having children as something that could cause such dramatic change to my core like those other things. I mean, I knew that having children would change me but I had no idea just how much.

After having each of my children, I faced enormous odds in my mental health and in how I cope. Mine was not a happy upbringing, and I've never been the kind of girl who could be considered generally happy until the years immediately preceding the arrival of my beautiful little monsters. My husband and I were disgustingly, deliriously, happy the vast majority of the time when we decided to bring children into our life. But no one really talks about just how hard having children can be or just how much your marriage can suffer if you don't put forth enough effort. I have spent the better part of the past three and a half years depressed. Not sad, real, all encompassing, overwhelming, struggling to function, DEPRESSED.

The birth of each child has forced me to reevaluate who I am to the core, as a person, a friend, a wife, a daughter, and now a mother. I've done this work before. It's how we came to be blissful in our life B.C. (before children). However, I had to walk the hard road all over again, and sometimes crawl when I couldn't find the strength to stand. I had to deal with all the shit that I've survived all over again and RE-learn how to forgive and let go. Trust me when I say, "This is not an easy journey." It is HARD; it is PAINFUL. But each time, there comes a point that I can see the bottom and I know that all I have left to do is turn and fight, to take the hard road and pray that I come out alright on the other side. There is always collateral damage. There is always change in both myself and my relationships. Sometimes those relationships fail. And sometimes they don't.

Over the years, I've had many close friends who become like family. Yet somewhere along the lines, the friendships begin to not serve one or both of us and so things have to change. And that's okay, sometimes change is good. It's not uncommon for these friends to drift apart and go separate ways. Although I'll always love them and save a chair for them at our "family" gatherings (to me, family is the people I love, my village if you will, not just blood)

A while back when I was deeply entrenched in my work, someone I love dearly told me that I can be like an immovable rock and that those around me are forced to conform to fit because I will not change shape. At the time, this cut deeply and I distanced myself from them. Looking back though, I see the truth of this and think this person knew me better than most others and was able to say something from a place of love that most others could never have. I needed to hear that even though it hurt.

Through this process of reevaluation and shift, I'm learning how to change my shape. I can still be unyielding and uncompromising but I now am able to see how my relationships can benefit from my being able to shift.
I'm learning... er, stumbling, to take care of my own needs and feelings FIRST so that I may take care of the needs and feelings of those who share space with me.

I'm learning to discern which feelings deserve a moment of processing before being discarded and which deserve to be spoken and expressed. Empathy can be difficult to learn. The unfortunate side effect of learning this new skill of mine is that I am now even more sensitive. HAHA! I didn't know that was possible!!

I have a greater ability to sense others' emotions, especially my little monsters and my family.

I've always been the kind of person who will care for those I love at my own expense. I'm inherently a care giver. To a fault. I "give" so much of myself, that sometimes I loose myself and frequently run on empty.
But there comes a point when I have to draw the line in the sand. I can only give, reach out, and initiate friendship so much before I have to stop. You see, part of that learning empathy I've been doing, means I have to have some for myself. It's probably the single hardest lesson I've had to learn.

Relationships inherently require a certain level of vulnerability but sometimes you have to pause and have empathy and care for yourself. So here I am. I'm giving pause. I'm patiently waiting, hoping, that a hand will extend my way with just a little love and watch-keeping that I'm in need of at this moment.

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Princess

It's been a while since I've posted and I'm ok with that. Life happens. 

Like, for example, small people and their daddy being sick for like a WHOLE. MONTH. It has sucked. Hard core. And I'm exhausted. But I'm ready to at least attempt to get back to my life. HA! ...with two toddlers around, who know what will happen tomorrow.

One thing I missed in my blog-acation was the birthday of my beautiful Princess Girl. She turned TWO on the fifth of this month! And of course I can't let such an occasion pass without showing you a little of the girl we adore so much!

we loved and knew her from belly to birth. 

She had us all absolutely smitten the moment we laid eyes on her and heard the song of her strong tiny lungs. She took her timeand came to us only when SHE was ready. Her sweet and sassy disposition was clear immediately and more apparent with each passing day. We love her sass and spunk more every day. I am SO blessed to be her Momma. 

 xoxo,
Sara


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