Let's be real...

Let's be real, honest, and open.

Currently, there is a huge stigma associated with mental health issues. Because of the stigma associated with mental health disease and disorder, people like me do not seek support or treatment which exacerbates any issues. I have pretended to be fine and masked my symptoms for a long time but will no longer do so. I am choosing to be open and honest about my struggles in the hopes that it helps someone else in the future.
Many have never suffered from depression, anxiety, or self image issues and do not understand those that do. Mental health disorders can be inherited, environmentally induced, or a combination of both.

I have a borderline personality disorder. I am also currently suffering from postpartum depression.

What does this mean?

Borderline personality disorder is also know as emotional regulation disorder. Symptoms of BPD can include depression, anxiety, anger issues, impulsively, mood swings, emotional instability, abandonment issues, feelings of inadequacy and is identical to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in causes, symptoms, and treatment. BPD is most commonly environmentally induced during childhood by abuse or situations of heavy fighting and conflict. Approximately 2% of adults live with BPD.

Postpartum depression is caused by the hormonal and chemical imbalances after giving birth. It is characterised by sadness, irritability, excessive guilty, extreme fatigue, inability or lack of desire to care for one's child or self.

I have been living with BPD for many years now.  It means that every day I have to wake up and make a conscience effort to function.  After our conversation, I will analyze it repeatedly in my head to see what I should have said differently and if I made a complete fool of myself. Until recently, my symptoms were very well controlled and I was feeling great the majority of the time. I worked hard to get to a place where my mood swings and anger issues were in check. I was in a very good place in my life. Then I got pregnant.

My pregnancy was far from easy; in fact, I HATE being pregnant.

Let me be very clear: I love my beautiful baby boy more than life itself and would do anything for him. He and his father are my world and I would be lost without them. But, I am suffering.

One of the hardest things for me is that I have this gorgeous happy little person who glows and giggles every time he sees my face and yet I feel an emptiness inside. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom, but it is very hard... the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes I put him in his jumper-roo (which is the best invention ever) and lay on the couch staring at him because I just need a moment.
Everyone tells me that I am a great mom and seem to be totally in my element and yet I feel completely inadequate. I often feel sorry that this amazing little spirit ended up stuck with me.

I imagine the sleep deprivation that sets in the moment your new bundle of joy enters the world is a leading cause of PPD and yet I feel guilty for not getting up when he wakes in the night and for taking a nap with him because my "to-do" list isn't getting any shorter.

When I'm home with him, I don't get much done because I feel like I need to make up for the four days I just worked. So we sing and play and I rarely leave his side. When I'm at work, I stress and worry about the care he is getting. Even though I know he is in good hands, they are not mine.

All of my short comings have become magnified and I worry constantly about the future and things I have no control over. On the outside, I appear to have it all together and look the part of the happy working mom who has figured out how to juggle it all. But on the inside, I'm a category 5 hurricane about to make land fall and everyone who knows what's good for them has already taken cover. I'm angry, irritable, and on the brink of tears. My poor sweet husband has taken more than his fair share of bulldozings and beratings.

So what happens now?
Well, the first step is admission. I've done that. Next comes therapy. We'll try that for awhile.
If therapy alone is unsuccessful, I may need anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. Not ideal, but maybe necessary. With treatment, I can be that happy, balance, and peaceful girl I used to be.

Bottom line: Don't ignore your issues or that of those around you. Speak up; get help. Don't judge and be supportive.
I laid it all out on the line. I'll be better for it. What's your issue?

I know who I am

Some times people seem skeptical of my life choices when they find out that I am 24 years old, have been married five years, and have a 4 month old. I frequently hear "you're just a baby!!" or "how can you know what you want out of life when you are so young?"

So, let's get something straight: I know who I am.

I am a part time housewife (albeit not a very good one...), part time working woman, and full time mommy!

I am mostly crazy: a bit high strung, seriously opinionated, and definitely high maintenance.
I try to be sweet, but I have to work hard at it because I'm mostly sassy.
I say what I think more often than I should and stick my foot (sometimes both) in my mouth frequently. After our conversation, I'll replay it in my head at least twice to make sure I didn't make a total fool of myself.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and you'll usually know what mood I'm in immediately. And for better or worse, I'm an emotional girl, VERY passionate and feel things in extremes.
I'm dark and angsty, and can be very calculated.
I have a temper like an atomic bomb with a hair trigger. I try hard to set off warning sirens before I explode, but some days are better than others.

I am young in years but have been to hell and back and experienced things many people haven't. I've been down, depressed, seen rock bottom and have scars to prove it. Some days are wonderful and some days I feel like I'm drowning.

While not all of these things are good, I recognize them and take them in stride. Every day I do my best to improve the bad and strengthen the good in myself.

I know who I am. Do you?