Today is a new day

Today is a new day and I'm ready to embrace it, to move forward, and to quit looking over my shoulder.

But first, we should talk about where I've been...

Let me begin by telling you about myself...

I have struggled with depression and self loathing on and off my whole life due to my brutal childhood. Could have been worse, but definitely could have been A LOT better.

But, I was the girl who was cute and curvy, confident and fun. I LOVED to run, dance, and be on colorguard so with all that exercise, could eat whatever I wanted. When I graduated high school in 2004, I was a size 6 and tipped the scales at 140.

Quickly came the full time sit down job and the man of my dreams. Between working all day, playing all night, and adding "fourth meal" as we like to call it, (you know, those late night runs to Taco Bell because we stayed out so late we're hungry again) I couldn't find much time for running. And, dancing in a class setting was definitely out of the question.

Fast forward a year and on our wedding day I was barely squeezing into a size 10 and nearly 180 lbs. Yep, that's right! 40 lbs in just one year. I know what you're thinking "wow! Quit shoveling it in girl!" I was thinking it too. We bought a condo, worked and went to school, and tried to learn how to be married.
Add to the first year of marriage bumps and bruises to a whole mess of family problems and, you guessed it! Another 20 lbs.
So, there I was. Married just one year, turning 20 and weighing in at a whopping 200lbs! Sure, that may not sound like a ton, but I get fat all over and it was apparent. Gradually, over the next couple of years I added another 20lbs. Lost a few here and there with some crazy crash dieting but always seemed to find it again. I was comfortable in my job, my marriage, and trying to figure out what the future held for me and for us.

In 2008, I found myself turning 22 at 225, size 18, and in cosmetology school with a lot of girls who were cuter and trendier and all around prettier than me. So, with some determination and hard work I managed to drop 40lbs and tone up over the course of about 6 months that year. By Christmas 2008 I was squeezing back into my old size 12's and tip-toeing around the 190 mark. I was still not in love with my body, but I could live with it. And, I was happy; the future looked bright, I was finally getting closer to where I really wanted to be.

Unfortunately, in spring 2009 I got a little lazy in my post-school, working 3 jobs, haze and put a few lbs back on, but nothing I couldn't handle. I found a job I loved that would pay the bills all on its own and dismissed the others. Again, I got determined and started running. It was hard work but at least I was enjoying it...sometimes. I toned up a bit and could fit in that pesky Jr's size 11 that had been haunting me for some time but was still hovering around the 200 mark.
We were nauseatingly happy!

And then, it happened... We'd been happily married 4 years, worked out all the kinks, and were nearly blissful. Besides, I was 23, not technically in my early twenties anymore. So, its only logical that my sweet husband would persuade me the time was right to try and get pregnant. And we did.

I knew I was still over weight and that I should really only gain 20lbs at the most. And, for a while, I did okay. I started this pregnancy by losing 15 lbs from all the puking. But, sure enough, I found that weight and 50lbs more. That's right, I said 50lbs.
I was determined to get right to work and shed the unwanted pounds. I knew I was meant to be a mother, it was the one thing I always knew I wanted growing up. So, naturally I'd be great at it and would learn how to juggle and manage quickly, sure there would be a bit of a learning curve but I'd get the hang of it. Then it would be easy to squeeze in runs and Turbo Jam while my beloved munchkin napped.

The day my 8lbs 15oz, 23inch little bundle of joy came into the world I lost 23 pounds and by the time he was 5 days old I'd shed another 18lbs in water weight. So, that only left 9lbs left to get my pre-baby weight. I figured that would be a piece of cake to drop and then I could get to work on getting rid of those other pesky pounds I'd been hanging onto be for the pregnancy.

Some where between the midnight feedings, dirty diapers, and piles of laundry, reality set in. No one really told me how truly hard, exhausting, and LONELY being a new mother is. I've written in the past about the Post Partum Depression I've suffered from since my sweet boy was born. It took me a while to realize the toll that PPD took on my marriage too. I thought I was alone in the damage done, but I was wrong.
But, I'm doing the work and getting better. We're getting better as a couple too.

Over the years, I've had more than my fair share of ups and downs; I've had toxic relationships and successfully rid myself of them. I've been "better" before and know that I can be there again.
As I'm recovering, my thoughts naturally turn to the past... To the days when I was cute, I was vibrant, I was sassy, and I was SKINNY. I didn't bitch out my amazing, wonderful husband just because I didn't feel good. I was fun. And, above all, I was cute and skinny. I like me then.

Recently I have realized that to be truly healed and to truly move forward we have to let go of the past.
I read a quote from some one that said Forgiveness doesn't mean we'll ever go back to what we had, it means "I'm moving forward." A hard lesson I've learned is that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. In forgiving others, I must also forgive myself so I may truly move on.

So, Today is a new day and I plan to move forward. I can still work towards being cute and skinny again but only in the interest of health and learning to love myself the way I am. I can still strive to vibrant and sassy, funny and friendly again, but not how I was; I can be better than that.

I am moving forward.