Sometimes it's ok to be selfish

This past weekend, I did something selfish. And I've decided sometimes it's okay to be selfish. Not just because I had Husband's blessing to do what I did, but because sometimes we're so self-LESS that we cease to care for ourselves properly. How can a momma care for her family when she's unwell? She can't.

Post partum depression is a beast. It's something I've battled before, but each baby bares a new and different challenge. For a while now, I'd been feeling like I was treading water but the last several weeks it's felt more like drowning. Gasping for air and beginning to sink under.

When people talk about drowning, real drowning not movie or television drowning, it's actually an incredibly quiet event. And it can happen right in front of a crowd of people without anyone taking real notice. There's no dramatic splashing or yelling for help, just the quiet gulps that fill a victim's lung with water as they sink below the surface practically paralyzed by fear and lack of oxygen.

For more than a month now, I've been struggling to keep my head above the water, feeling like I'm drowning, quietly gulping water and sinking below the surface. And virtually no one seemed to notice. I've even wished for an accident, to get hurt and need a prolonged hospital stay so that I could just rest and be undisturbed by dogs, chickens, poopy diapers, dirty faces, snot noses, or any of the other myriad of things that face moms of small people each day. "To just rest and be medicated would feel pretty good," I thought. And then there were times that I considered maybe just slipping under the surface quietly with no notice wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing.

Sure I've got friends and family that would be sad and miss the girl I used to be. The cute, fun, sassy one who drew people in like a magnet. But, let's be honest: I haven't been that girl in a long time and lately I haven't been all that likable of a person. Any perceived closeness has all felt really superficial this year. And for some strange reason, I've kind of felt ok with it. I've been numb to the missing personal relationships and maybe it has mostly been how I've masked the raw and burning feelings, like the nerves exposed from gashing off a few layers of skin.

You're probably wondering where the selfish part is. Well here it is.

I left.

I packed a bag and took off for the weekend leaving my husband and children at home. I barely called or texted, only wanting not to worry the man any further but not actually wanting too many details about what was going on at home.

I told Husband and myself that it was just for the weekend, a turn around trip really. But a small portion of me was scared that I wouldn't want to come back.

I made big plans to park my tush in the sand with my toes in the water and not leave until I'd removed this lost, drifting, drowning feeling off my shoulders. Instead, I spent Friday with an old friend catching up, chatting, and just relaxing. And it felt good.

Saturday, I got up early and ran. Purposely leaving my headphones behind and pushing my speed so I'd have to focus only on my breathing and footsteps, running alone along the shoreline, those nerve endings felt like they were being picked at not healed. But isn't that often the first step, cutting away all the dead and broken skin?

Then I showered and got dressed. I drove out to Point Loma and hiked down to the tide pools.

And I sat watching the tide come in.

For a long time.

I realized I never really "lost" myself. I just sort of lost my way for a while but I was always there. However, the last few months I've been allowing my weaknesses to drive me. I'm impatient (though aren't we all), self doubting, and a perfectionist. And in my desire to not repeat the mistakes of my parents, I've been destroying myself and any confidence I had learned to this point in my life.

While I sat along the cliff edge, I saw this little seagull.

 

I know he's hard to see, but he's there sitting out on that rock.

 



I watched this little seagull for a long time.

Because the tide was coming in, the water on this rock was rising a teensy bit with each wave. He didn't seem to mind if he got sprayed a little with the water or if his toes got wet. He stood his ground and looked out toward the coastline as if planning his next move.

Eventually, the waves got a bit higher and he didn't want his bum to get wet so he began to hop as each wave washed over the rock. He continued this hop and wait for another while. Then the water became too deep. But he wasn't really ready to move on yet so he flew to the next highest rock and sat for another while repeating this process over until he was ready to fly away for good.

Despite the rising tide, he was not persuaded to change his plan or alter his course until he was really ready to do so.

... I know what your thinking: Wow, she really gave this silly bird a lot more thought than necessary. But hey, I was sitting out here on this cliff edge for the purpose of soul searching people. Sometimes ya just make do with what's available. Haha

Anyways, I figured I needed to learn something from this little seagull. It's okay when things get messy as long as we keep our perspective.

Striving for perfection can occasionally be a good thing, but in general it falls into the weakness category. It allows us to set unrealistic expectations for others and especially ourselves.

I've lost sight of the important things.
I feel like I've forgotten the extend of God's love for me, that imperfect as I am, I'm special and important just as I am.
Eternal perspective. What does that mean? "This too shall PASS."
Some where in the last couple of years, between hyperemisis, broken shoulder, new baby, etc, I stopped looking forward and making plans and goals. And while I 100% believe that life is what happens while we're busy making plans, I know that plans and goals are important. We should not just be wondering aimlessly through this life.

I've come to a new place through this weekend away that is ultimately a good thing for my family. I'm still a work in progress, still treading water but I can breathe again. It's been a while since I felt that way.

Relationships are important. Especially my marriage. With my husband's hand in mine I can overcome anything. And harsh as it may seem, right now, his is the only opinion I truly value. For too long I've been focusing on outside perceptions and expectations and I've realized that those things matter not.

I don't have to be a perfect mom, I just have to be better than I was yesterday.

And it's ok if I'm not a very good friend today because tomorrow I'll be a little bit more well than I am today which means I'll be able to be a better person the day after that.

Maybe my weekend of selfishness was a bit less selfish than I thought.

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