Shift. And Pause.

Sometimes in life we go through things that change us; for better or worse, it tends to be permanent.
For most, it's the death of a loved one, cancer, lay offs that result in career shifts. Ya know, generally HUGE things. I never regarded pregnancy and having children as something that could cause such dramatic change to my core like those other things. I mean, I knew that having children would change me but I had no idea just how much.

After having each of my children, I faced enormous odds in my mental health and in how I cope. Mine was not a happy upbringing, and I've never been the kind of girl who could be considered generally happy until the years immediately preceding the arrival of my beautiful little monsters. My husband and I were disgustingly, deliriously, happy the vast majority of the time when we decided to bring children into our life. But no one really talks about just how hard having children can be or just how much your marriage can suffer if you don't put forth enough effort. I have spent the better part of the past three and a half years depressed. Not sad, real, all encompassing, overwhelming, struggling to function, DEPRESSED.

The birth of each child has forced me to reevaluate who I am to the core, as a person, a friend, a wife, a daughter, and now a mother. I've done this work before. It's how we came to be blissful in our life B.C. (before children). However, I had to walk the hard road all over again, and sometimes crawl when I couldn't find the strength to stand. I had to deal with all the shit that I've survived all over again and RE-learn how to forgive and let go. Trust me when I say, "This is not an easy journey." It is HARD; it is PAINFUL. But each time, there comes a point that I can see the bottom and I know that all I have left to do is turn and fight, to take the hard road and pray that I come out alright on the other side. There is always collateral damage. There is always change in both myself and my relationships. Sometimes those relationships fail. And sometimes they don't.

Over the years, I've had many close friends who become like family. Yet somewhere along the lines, the friendships begin to not serve one or both of us and so things have to change. And that's okay, sometimes change is good. It's not uncommon for these friends to drift apart and go separate ways. Although I'll always love them and save a chair for them at our "family" gatherings (to me, family is the people I love, my village if you will, not just blood)

A while back when I was deeply entrenched in my work, someone I love dearly told me that I can be like an immovable rock and that those around me are forced to conform to fit because I will not change shape. At the time, this cut deeply and I distanced myself from them. Looking back though, I see the truth of this and think this person knew me better than most others and was able to say something from a place of love that most others could never have. I needed to hear that even though it hurt.

Through this process of reevaluation and shift, I'm learning how to change my shape. I can still be unyielding and uncompromising but I now am able to see how my relationships can benefit from my being able to shift.
I'm learning... er, stumbling, to take care of my own needs and feelings FIRST so that I may take care of the needs and feelings of those who share space with me.

I'm learning to discern which feelings deserve a moment of processing before being discarded and which deserve to be spoken and expressed. Empathy can be difficult to learn. The unfortunate side effect of learning this new skill of mine is that I am now even more sensitive. HAHA! I didn't know that was possible!!

I have a greater ability to sense others' emotions, especially my little monsters and my family.

I've always been the kind of person who will care for those I love at my own expense. I'm inherently a care giver. To a fault. I "give" so much of myself, that sometimes I loose myself and frequently run on empty.
But there comes a point when I have to draw the line in the sand. I can only give, reach out, and initiate friendship so much before I have to stop. You see, part of that learning empathy I've been doing, means I have to have some for myself. It's probably the single hardest lesson I've had to learn.

Relationships inherently require a certain level of vulnerability but sometimes you have to pause and have empathy and care for yourself. So here I am. I'm giving pause. I'm patiently waiting, hoping, that a hand will extend my way with just a little love and watch-keeping that I'm in need of at this moment.

**Disclaimer: Anonymous comments will not be published. I'd love to hear from YOU not "Anonymous" :)

Princess

It's been a while since I've posted and I'm ok with that. Life happens. 

Like, for example, small people and their daddy being sick for like a WHOLE. MONTH. It has sucked. Hard core. And I'm exhausted. But I'm ready to at least attempt to get back to my life. HA! ...with two toddlers around, who know what will happen tomorrow.

One thing I missed in my blog-acation was the birthday of my beautiful Princess Girl. She turned TWO on the fifth of this month! And of course I can't let such an occasion pass without showing you a little of the girl we adore so much!

we loved and knew her from belly to birth. 

She had us all absolutely smitten the moment we laid eyes on her and heard the song of her strong tiny lungs. She took her timeand came to us only when SHE was ready. Her sweet and sassy disposition was clear immediately and more apparent with each passing day. We love her sass and spunk more every day. I am SO blessed to be her Momma. 

 xoxo,
Sara


**Disclaimer: Anonymous comments will not be published. I'd love to hear from YOU not "Anonymous" :)

Choosing Work

About 5 weeks ago, I began a journey into a higher level of peaceful, empathetic parenting. It's been an incredibly painful and difficult process but most of the best things are.

In the first few weeks, I was asked to come to terms with how I was parented and then to understand how it affects the way I parent and the things that elicit an emotional response from me.

I would venture to say that most of us would rather not dig into old wounds especially if they're still figuratively festering. Somethings are better left buried but in the case of emotional trauma, I think it's almost always beneficial to "do the work" and settle the past to let it go.

I could be considered an emotionally volatile person in that I have deep emotional responses when triggered. One of the hardest things I'm learning to do is understand when what I'm feeling isn't serving me. In those cases, I allow myself time to sit with the potentially irrational emotion and understand why I'm feeling it. Even "irrational" emotions deserve their day in the sun, to be heard and honored. Once I've sifted through things a bit, I do my best to turn the metaphorical burner off and allow it to simmer down and cool. I let it go.

Once I let it go, I move on to more situationally appropriate emotions that serve me, my kids, and whomever else I'm interacting with. I'm striving to live my life and feel my emotions more compassionately and empathetically.

I've learned something that is life changing for me: until this point, I've considered myself "broken" and "damaged." I tossed these words around in the description of myself for so long that it's started to feel like a safe place. But the reality is, I'm not actually either of those things. Those words describe a victim to whom things happen. I have come to the realization that depression is a state of being, like a pot of stew simmer on the stove. It doesn't require any action on it's own account. Someone else is doing all the work, adjusting the temperature and adding ingredients at will. Depression is an existence.

Emotion, on the other hand, require action. Sadness takes time to cope with, sometimes tears and sometimes the ear of an understanding and trusted friend. Sadness is a progressive emotion. Depression takes up residence.

This is not to say that depression is a choice for everyone. There are many people, myself included at times, who are truly overwhelmed and debilitated by depression that feels like outside force weighing down our breath. This is different from choosing to exist in a depressed state of being as I have allowed myself these last few months. It was easier to wallow in pain than to feel real emotion.

Regardless of whether our depression is inherent or a choice, WORK is always a choice. I choose to do work.

**Disclaimer: Anonymous comments will not be published. I'd love to hear from YOU not "Anonymous" :)

Help support boobs and babies!

I've got a special request today: a friend and really amazing woman I know, Angie, needs our help with some research in support of boobs and babies!
As a mother who has donated milk to other babies, and as a lactation counselor who has helped mothers find donors for their babies, this topic is near and dear to my heart.
Angie is making every effort to increase knowledge and evidence based practices. 

PLEASE take a moment to read the following info and fill out Angie's survey.

Don't forget to share with your friends nationwide!

Much Love!
xoxo,
Sara



Exploration of the Nature of Private Arrangement Breast Milk Sharing

Gentle Families! Arizona State University College of Nursing and Health Innovation researcher Angie Bond is conducting research to describe the milk sharing community and milk sharing practices of donors and recipients facilitated through social media. This research involves about 15 minutes of your time, consists of a one-time online survey through Survey Monkey. The results will be used to inform researchers, medical providers, and lactation professionals about the practices of milk sharing and to focus future efforts on providing support for families who choose to share milk privately. Results will be analyzed and made available to participating milk sharing networks.

Participation helps to build support for choices! https://www.surveymonky.com/s/ASU_Milk_Sharing

Research FAQ’s

Q.What is it you are researching?
A. We are exploring the nature of the relationships involved in private arrangement sharing of breast milk. We hope to better understand why families choose to share milk. We want to be able to describe the things families feel are important about one another in making a private arrangement to share milk.

Q. How will the research be conducted?
A. The research survey is an anonymous, and completed at the SurveyMonkey link https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ASU_Milk_Sharing The link takes those who wish to participate to the survey. It should take about 15 minutes to complete. Questions are about milk sharing experiences and general information about the survey taker.

Q. How will this research be used?
A. Final results will be released to the participating milk sharing networks to share with their users. The aggregated (the whole group of data) results will be presented at a research and professional conference next summer, and published soon after.

Q. Why do this research?
A. A member of the research team has been a donor through Eats On Feets and through the Denver Milk Bank. She has worked with many families and professionals who are interested in milk sharing. Families and professionals want evidence based information to help in the decision making process. This is the beginning of developing that base of evidence, while respecting the dignity and the intimacy of the decisions which go into choosing milk sharing.

Q. What other research will be done?
A. By starting from scratch and going straight to those who are participating in milk sharing, a foundation for discussing the actual challenges and benefits as they exist begins. Using this foundation, we will be able to identify the areas in most immediate need of explanation to help families, lactation professionals, and medical providers the information necessary to help families make evidence based decisions about milk sharing.

letting go and fnding peace.

I think, as humans, we struggle most with loss and especially with letting go. Sometimes we're asked to let go of things or places, sometimes dreams and goals, and in the worst of times, we are asked to let go of people.

This year has seen the sacrifice of some of my personal goals and dreams for my family and children but also the passing of many people I love.
Last night, a beautiful little girl, Abigail, who shares my birthday, graduated this life, ending her 2.5 year battle with cancer, and went home to our Father in Heaven's arms.

This loss has caused me to reflect on my own loved ones lost, the life I'm living, and on my faith in God, His Plan, and eternal salvation. Today I have spent much time on explaining the Plan of Salvation and why Mormon funerals are different from others and so I feel compelled to share here as well.

In 1988, Boyd K Packer shared a story of two young missionaries who happened along a funeral for a young boy who had drown and a preacher had been called to "say words." The minister began his sermon and sorely scolded the boy's parents for not having baptized him. He told them their son was lost in endless torment as a result of their not having him baptized him. The parents received no comfort from this minister or from the funeral service for their small child.
The Elders approached the boy's parents after his interment, and told them of the Lord's plan of Salvation. They quoted the Book of Mormon, "Little children need no repentance, neither baptism, "(Moroni 8:11). 
President Packer went on to say, "A comforting, spiritual funeral is of great importance. It helps console the bereaved and establishes a transition from mourning to the reality that we must move forward with life. Whether death is expected or a sudden shock, an inspirational funeral where the doctrines of resurrection, the mediation of Christ, and certainty of life after death are taught strengthens those who must now move on with life."
The revelations tell us that “thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not hope of a glorious resurrection.” (D&C 42:45.)
At times of sorrow and parting one may experience that “peace … which passeth all understanding” (Philip. 4:7) which the scriptures promise. Many have come to marvel in their hearts that such a feeling of peace, even exaltation, can come at the time of such grief and uncertainty.
This peace can only be fostered by reverence and knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.

Plan of Salvation

I have eternal perspective but it is so easy to be lost in the trials of our day to day lives and loose sight of where we are going and where we have come from. Sweet Abigail and her beautiful family never lost sight of their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and in his Plan for them. I am inspired by their blessed example to strive to do better, to find the good in each day, and to keep the faith.

I hope you will join me in praying for the Goss Family and all who have lost. Keep the Faith friends.

xoxo,
Sara

**Disclaimer: Anonymous comments will not be published. I'd love to hear from YOU not "Anonymous" :)

food stress

I'm a fluffy girl. Always have been, probably always will be. Currently, I'm right around 80lbs over weight... that's a medium sized child if you're keeping track.

I've never had a healthy relationship with food. I often eat my feelings, using food as a coping method for my stressors and depression. Even as a 27 year old, married for more than 8 years, woman, I still feel defensive about my eating habits around my parents and grandparents who are products of the depression-era "you must clean your plate; children are starving some where in the world" mentality.

I also feel pressures to "try" everything on the table even if I know it's not something I like. I can remember, as a child, being forced to eat my green beans and I REALLY hate green beans. There were times I ate them, very last, just so I could finally leave the table. I would head directly to the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat.

Fast forward to having children of my own. I find myself, like many, parenting to compensate for what I perceive to be my parents' missteps (whether real or imagined).
I spend a lot of time trying NOT to transfer food related anxiety to my monsters.

As we've been altering our lifestyle, and especially our eating habits, for the better, I again feel defensive of my choices. Is it really so hard to understand that we don't want our children ingesting countless chemicals, GMO's, and pesticides?? I don't think so, but some do.

I guess what it comes down to is, if I believe I'm doing the best for my family, does it really matter what anyone else think?

What things cause you stress and defensive behaviors??

**Disclaimer: Anonymous comments will not be published. I'd love to hear from YOU not "Anonymous" :)

the dreaded potty training

We've done this once already with the Monster Man but gave it up after about 5 weeks of #2 issues.
That was nearly a year ago, and now he's three so we've decided to give it another run.

We got some lovely Angry Birds boxer briefs which he's sure to love.

So, Friday, when Momma and Daddy both get home from work, we're making him toss his diapers in the trash.

No yelling, no shaming, no potty parties in this house. We don't want any negative feelings about the bathroom or our bodies.

We're going with the "tell momma when you need to go" and "don't forget to keep your pigs/angry birds/etc dry!" and lots and lots of jelly beans for successes. Hopefully it will be quick and painless....

Wish us luck!!

xoxo,
Sara

**Disclaimer: Anonymous comments will not be published. I'd love to hear from YOU not "Anonymous" :)